He Shoulda Slud!

He shoulda slud!

       The origin of the above semi intelligible phrase, as well as far too many others is the world of sport. It is actually a comment made by the late Dizzy Dean, Baseball Hall of Famer, turned broadcast “color man,” referring to what action a baserunner attempting to steal second base should have done. Dean is a good place to start because he was always good for a bad example. Perhaps it can be traced back to an incident which happened while Dean was still pitching (and winning) for the Saint Louis Cardinals. He had reached first base and when the next batter hit an infield ground ball, he ran to second base (and not sliding) trying to “break up” the double play. The throw from the infielder hit Ol’ Diz in the forehead, and he dropped to the ground. The trainer had to go out with a stretcher and as Diz was being carried off the field, his younger brother, Paul, sometimes called “Daffy,” was at his side. Following the game, a reporter asked Paul if his brother had been conscious while being carried off. Paul answered that he had been talking the whole time. When asked what he was saying, Paul responded “Nothin’, he was just talkin’”. Unfortunately, this is far from unrepresentative of both oral and written reportage from this area.

       I don’t know for sure, but it almost seems that the lowest of the low hanging fruit from Journalism/English lit classes gravitate to the world of sports reporting. Before I offend anyone, there are and have been, to be sure, some glaring and shining stars in the field. The late Grantland Rice, Rick Reilly, Bryant Gumbel, David Halberstam, and Michael Wilbon were, or are still, very good at what they do. In like fashion, conservative pundit George Will has written several brilliant baseball books. 

       Excepting the true literati of the genre, and at the local newspaper and TV level, as well as in the “color man” seat, this rapidly disintegrates into drivel and mangled syntax. What tripped my trigger this morning was a headline in the local rag which was actually an AP newsfeed. It was, I realized, so far removed from intelligible commentary that many would have no clue what was being reported in the body of the article based on the following: “Cowboys lasso Hokies!”

       Now of course, sports savant that I claim to be, I instantly knew that, far from being a rodeo article, the headline was attempting to convey that Oklahoma State University had defeated Virginia Tech in a football game.

      “Lassos?... Really?” I then realized that we have been reading similar words for “beat, defeat or win” for ages. They include, “edge, squeak, nip.” “Slaughter” is of course a perennial favorite, as are “massacre and annihilate.” Australians sometimes use “stoush” (sufficiently macho for some Australians to label World War One as the Big Stoush). We also see general war references such as “blast, blitz and blown away.” And if your team played badly, it was all a “shambles”, another word that refers to butchery, since before it became generally used as a synonym for mess, it originally meant an abattoir.

       More examples are from terms which otherwise are used to mean "hit". “Banjax, banjo, cane, clobber, knock out, thrash, lam, lash, lick, scupper, smear, thump, tonk, wallop, whomp and whop and whup.” From the domestic chore side, we mustn’t forget metaphors such as “clean out or clean up, roast, stuff, straighten, mop up, chew up, have for breakfast, take to the cleaners and wipe the floor with.” Workshop examples add “flatten, crush, mallet, nail, hammer, thump, shellac, screw and shaft.” This is by no means a comprehensive list.

       Equally annoying are the metaphors for the strategies and results of same which have crept into the jargon of sport. Examples include: “Win some lose some.” Really, no shit? Unless you’re the 1972 Miami Dolphins, that pretty much sums up the entire NFL experience, now doesn’t it?

       “Fumble the ball” is just one of a slew of gratuitous and unnecessary “add-ons” which the color men use. Of course, it was the ball, what else was he carrying?

       A subset of these are the really, really, stupid statements made in the booth and unfortunately not on tape delay. Here are several of the worst, some from the booth, some in response to questions from the booth:

      Joe Theismann, ESPN Announcer and Former NFL Quarterback: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." (and his brother Albert is even smarter!)

       Lee Corso, College Football Analyst: "Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States." So where do they play, Coach, – China?

       Alan Minter, Boxer: “Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing—but none of them serious.” I always considered death as serious, if not fatal.

       Jason Kidd, NBA Basketball Player: "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." So, basically that would be a full circle and you would be back to where you started?

       Leon Wood, Basketball Player to Announcer Steve Albert: "Are you any relation to your brother Marv?" There are no words for this stupid.

       Greg Norman, golfer: “I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.” Who better?

       Charles Shackleford, NBA player: “I can go right, I can go left, I’m amphibious.” Wow! And he can do it under water!

       Bob Varsha, Formula One commentator: “The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch and one on the throttle.” Now that I’d like to see. He could probably win the three-legged race at the company picnic by himself, too.

       Brian Kerr, Irish football (Soccer) analyst on David Beckham: “In his interviews, [David] Beckham manages to sit on the fence very well and keeps both ears on the ground.” I’ve seen the man, great looking, guy, but with normal ears!

      NBA analyst (and apparent Nobel Laureate mathematician) Doug Collins: “Anytime Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.” So, what has to happen for them to lose?

      And finally, from former MLB player, Carl Everett: “God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can’t say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex.” It makes my head hurt trying to grasp the sheer stupidity implicit in the statement.

       Finally, there are the statements full of words, yet signifying nothing because they are so cliché that they’ve lost real significance. These are frequently captured by the sideline reporter who has just asked a truly dumb question right after a game.

       “I couldn’t have done it without the Lord above/God/ my faith in Jesus (pick one) because I’m just one man/one player/one component in a team game/concept.” Ever notice that losers seldom, if ever, say anything about God or Jesus after a loss? Is losing strictly a secular endeavor? Doesn’t the Heavenly Father also interfere when you throw interceptions?

       “We just need to make some plays/play at our tempo/go out there and execute/get better.” Yes? And…. would you care to be specific on how you plan to do that, Captain Obvious?

       “At the end of the day” ……” it is what it is.” Well…. yeah, I suppose it is. Or maybe it is what it isn’t, or it is what it once was, but is no more. Who really knows?

       “He’s good at making plays (or moves, or throws) in space.” I think I saw this one with Sigourney Weaver, right?

       "Play Michigan football/Villanova basketball/ The Oriole Way/The Patriot Way" (etc., ad nauseum” Just once wouldn’t you love to see the Chicago Bear’s Coach (currently winless) tell the sideline pest that “we need to get off this losing bullshit and play football the Patriots’ way?”


       This is just a sampling of such tripe, I hope “I played within myself, kept my game, and brought to the table” and, at the end of the day, wrote something which made you smile.