An Artisanal, Hand Crafted Essay.

        Sometimes I reach the point where something which I generally have found merely annoying just hits me right (or wrong) and I have to say something here.

        There seems to be an increasing plethora of claims made in print by various merchandisers, brewers, and purveyors of food which just grate on me. Start with “Hand Crafted.”  There are certainly things in this world which are hand crafted. The word “craft” is defined as: an activity involving skill in making things by hand.  Furniture might be handcrafted, so might clothing, even if made with a machine. Leather goods, even upscale shoes and jewelry also fall into this category, which conveys a sense of art in the process.

        Here’s what isn’t “crafted:  Ruby Tuesday’s “Handcrafted” Steaks and Burgers, Martinis, Drafts, Bottles of beer. Likewise, using “Craft” and as adjective for beer brewing is pushing the envelope, since it involves shoveling stuff into a large container, adding water and letting it cook. This isn’t to say that small breweries using “different” flavorings aren’t producing good beer, but the implication that they do so because they’re “Craftier” than the folks at say, Sam Adams, is iffy. I any case I find it doubtful that anything a Ruby Tuesday’s employee adds to it between brewery and table qualifies as “crafty.” Of course, unless the barkeep juggles the bottled beer, he adds no “craft either. The same is true for the martini. Any “craft” involved is that of the distiller. Period.

        A similar “usage abusage’ is seen by the myriad restaurants who boast of “hand carved” steaks. As opposed to what? Karate chopped? Blown apart with explosives? All steaks are cut into serving sized portions with some tool or other. So, what?

       Every bit as overused and demonstrably more far-fetched is the blatant overuse of the root word “Artisan.”  Here’s the def: “A worker in a skilled trade, especially one that involves making things by hand.”  Starbucks, not content apparently with purveying over-roasted, burnt tasting coffee for huge profits, has practically copyrighted the word. First it was “Starbucks Artisanal, (Artisan Coffees and Pastries.)” Six months later it announced the arrival of “Artisan-Style Chocolate.”) yeah, really.

         I’ve been to several Starbucks (when desperate, usually choosing mocha because the coffee sucks) and there were no artisans baking or making chocolate – ever. This is not to demean the skill of the baristas who dexterously make every conceivable flavor combo possible, apparently to dull the shitty coffee flavor. (personal observation here: We were recently in Seattle, home of a Starbucks on every corner. When we left the coast and crossed the Cascades into central Washington, we found, to both our surprise and delight, that while there were still Starbucks in some places, the locals and every hotel we stayed at disdained Starbucks in favor of other and far better tasting brands)

         Beefeater 24 gin was introduced with the words “artisan cut” stamped on the label. What’s an artisan cut? Tea added to the gin makes its flavor profile much too tannic during the last leg of distillation, so approximately one third of each batch gets “cut,” by which we mean tossed (or rather, “hand-tossed”). I can hardly imagine how much skill that task must entail.

        Likewise, based on a recent Panera Bread commercial: “At Panera we start with artisan bread, handcrafted by professional bakers using fresh dough.”  Not sure what artisan bread is, but I know my wife makes it at home. Of course, those who bake Panera’s bread are not volunteer amateurs, but are paid to do so, hence, even with little or no culinary experience and on the first day on the job, they would rightly be designated “professional bakers” a distinction hardly worthy of braggadocio. As for the dough; yes, I agree “stale dough” would hardly be kosher, but the bread you buy at the local store is shipped there , not mixed there.

        Even Chick Fil-A, not content with their religiously driven and smug “closed on Sunday” policy has embraced the new trendy slang. (I say that because they post in the store that they close so that their employees can worship. I assume their official attitude toward Jewish or Muslim employees is “Fuck ‘em, let them convert”) They ballyhoo their “hand spun” milk shakes. I have watched many times and they use a machine every time! Hand spun, my ass.

        There are other, equally pretentious terms in use with various shades of meaning, generally aimed at snob appeal, including: “free range”, “cage free”, organic (all food is organic), and “line caught” which is a distinction which I doubt very much the fish in question ever makes in the short time before he’s cut into filets and flash frozen.  

        There, now I feel better.