The section of our newspaper containing the Crossword, Jumble, Sudoku, and Bridge column also runs the daily wine reviews. Though I try not to look, I seem to be inexorably drawn to the wine reviews. It’s not that I am all that interested, or I need someone else’s advice. Rather, it’s the historical word-mangling and purple prose the reviewers use. I don’t think these are locally generated, else I would have sought out and crippled the writers a while ago.
Think I’m overreacting? Here’s today’s drool bucket load of verbal vomit: warning: this is verbatim therefore some of the comments may be sane, but I think you’ll know when you get to the parts that make me wonder “What the F**K?”
“2017 Rex Hill Pinot Noir, Willamette Valley, Oregon, $35: The wine has scents of rich, dark, berries, pomegranate, rhubarb, caramel, mulling spices and tobacco with secondary hints of balsa wood, flint, slate and graphite. The palate is expansive and energetic with moderate tannins.”
After reading this one, I wondered: did this guy eat his model planes to master the nuanced flavor palette that Balsa wood brings? Or maybe he has licked a wide variety of stones so as to differentiate the subtleties of Slate and Flint. The last time I even saw graphite it was as a black powder used to lubricate locks. Graphite is an allotrope of carbon, so the writer might try licking the inside of his chimney for the same effect, and oddly enough, Graphite is also sometimes used as a nuclear reactor moderator!
As for the actual edible substances referenced (pomegranate, rhubarb(?), caramel, mulling spices and (just marginally) tobacco? That mix sounds a bit more like really cheap potpourri. It’s difficult to grasp all that this bozo says is happening in this bottle. I think he’s being paid by the adjective.
Now the rest of the story: In researching this wine I was struck by several facts: First, this wine is available many places at about $26 per bottle. I wondered about that so I went to the website if the vintner and, wow!
Lo and behold, Only Rex Hill's website lists the wine at that $35 price. Furthermore, the review, (by the winery and of their own product ) is, verbatim, the one in today's paper. Yep, this isn't even a review, it's a friggin' commercial!
I would never be so bold as to style myself an oenophile, but I have some (make that a lot of) experience with wines, ranging from the very bad (remember Mateus Rose, Boone’s Farm or that Chianti bottle with the straw basket?) to the very good and price has never been an absolute indicator of quality. For example, although there is an almost instinctive urge to skip the “Naked Wines” ads, their products, all very drinkable, and their producers, small winemakers with no (other) national distribution' are generally worth significantly more than the cost.
Just one example, and this by way of amplification of information, not a commercial for Naked Wines:
F. Stephen Millier is a California winemaker, growing in stature, but originally one of Naked Wines' small producers. His very nice 2017 Amador County Zin (no you can’t buy it anywhere near here) retails in local California outlets, in the vicinity of $19.9 per bottle. Naked Wines retails the same bottle at $13.99 (30% less for the math challenged). The difference? No national advertising or wine merchant markup. But wait, it gets worse. Order a bottle in in almost any restaurant and bend over. Restaurant markups average two and a half to three times wholesale cost. A bottle priced at $10 wholesale might sell for $15 retail, but $25 to $30 in a restaurant. What does the restauranteur do to justify this price gouge? Nuthin’ I don’t do at home. Open, pour,… that’s all folks.
A group of academics (of all disciplines) at the University of Minnesota held more than 6,000 blind tastings. They found that “the correlation between price and overall rating is small and negative, suggesting that individuals on average enjoy more expensive wines slightly less.” Yep! That’s what they found. Perhaps Balsa, Rhubarb and Graphite are overrated?
As the old saying goes and relates to many personal choices, not just wines: “I’m no expert, but I know what I like.” This is especially true where wine is concerned.
I would never be so bold as to style myself an oenophile, but I have some (make that a lot of) experience with wines, ranging from the very bad (remember Mateus Rose, Boone’s Farm or that Chianti bottle with the straw basket?) to the very good and price has never been an absolute indicator of quality. For example, although there is an almost instinctive urge to skip the “Naked Wines” ads, their products, all very drinkable, and their producers, small winemakers with no (other) national distribution' are generally worth significantly more than the cost.
Just one example, and this by way of amplification of information, not a commercial for Naked Wines:
F. Stephen Millier is a California winemaker, growing in stature, but originally one of Naked Wines' small producers. His very nice 2017 Amador County Zin (no you can’t buy it anywhere near here) retails in local California outlets, in the vicinity of $19.9 per bottle. Naked Wines retails the same bottle at $13.99 (30% less for the math challenged). The difference? No national advertising or wine merchant markup. But wait, it gets worse. Order a bottle in in almost any restaurant and bend over. Restaurant markups average two and a half to three times wholesale cost. A bottle priced at $10 wholesale might sell for $15 retail, but $25 to $30 in a restaurant. What does the restauranteur do to justify this price gouge? Nuthin’ I don’t do at home. Open, pour,… that’s all folks.
A group of academics (of all disciplines) at the University of Minnesota held more than 6,000 blind tastings. They found that “the correlation between price and overall rating is small and negative, suggesting that individuals on average enjoy more expensive wines slightly less.” Yep! That’s what they found. Perhaps Balsa, Rhubarb and Graphite are overrated?
As the old saying goes and relates to many personal choices, not just wines: “I’m no expert, but I know what I like.” This is especially true where wine is concerned.
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