New
Rule #13: New Dog owners must, for
their and their new pet's benefit, become certified in dogspeak as soon as
possible.
As a long time dog owner of several
breeds, from Buster the Bassett (sweet but definitely not a brain surgeon) to brilliant and athletic Bart
the Wonder Dog (Lab-Shepherd mix) I can attest to the fact that dogs communicate
in many ways, audible and physically. Essentially all pet owners, especially older ones whose children
are gone, tend to anthropomorphosize their
pest, but none more than dog owners.
Frequently, the meaning of the signal
sent by the human or the dog gets lost or
mistranslated. In the interest of dogs everywhere and their new owners, I offer
this brief dog to Human/English dictionary.
Action:
licking master's face
Assumed Meaning: "I love
You"Probable meaning(s): "Feed me", "I just shat indoors, don't beat me", "I'm about to s**t indoors, let me out", "Kiss me, but no tongues", "Wake up, it's 4:30 am for pete's sake"
Action:
attentive closeness while master cleans Cat litter pans
Assumed meaning: "I love you and
want to be close to you every moment"Probable meaning(s): "What?, You're throwing that away?", "never catch me crapping in a box!" "Oh Boy, Oh Boy- Tootsie Rolls!"
Action:
Ears prick up, alert look
Assumed meaning: "something
important is about to happen"
Probable meanings: "Something
important to me is about to happen, these events could be: "The A/C
just clicked on"," A bird farted in the front yard", "The
UPS man is across the street", "Another dog is within 100 yards",
"Another dog in heat is within 3 miles",
"I heard a can opener somewhere", "The cat just scratched in the
litter box - lunchtime!"
Action:
whining pitifully:
Assumed meaning: "I'm in pain",
"I'm frightened"Probable meaning(s): Both of the above are possible, though improbable , but must not be ignored. Alternate meanings include, but are not limited to: "I need to go out", "I needed to go out, but you were too busy, and it's too late now, jackass", "Feed me", "Pay attention to me", "I'm bored", "I just discovered how to make this annoying sound", "I heard thunder fifteen miles away", "I'm horny", "does this collar make me look fat?"
Action:
dragging butt across the floor
Assumed meaning: "Aren't I
cute?", "Look I'm a friction toy"Probable meaning(s): "My Butt itches", I'm inaugurating the new carpet", "Remember those worms we thought I was rid of?" " I call this trick Butt surfing", "Look, Ma, two paws", "Hemorrhoid, schmemmorhoid"
Action:
sniffing another dog's butt
Assumed meaning: Identification ritual
dating to the dawn of timeProbable meaning(s): Same as above with several nuances, such as "Carl, you were at the vet's huh?", "Long time no smell", "Ahh,a poodle, I love French perfume!", "Boy do I love that new carpet smell!", "Dang Leon, try some Beano, won'tcha?"
Probable meaning(s): "Betcha wish you could do this", "Trying to get the taste of kibble out of my mouth", "Does this make me weird?", "Don't judge me, bozo"
Action:
refuses to eat own food
Assumed meaning: "I'm not
hungry" (warning - don't be fooled, dogs are always hungry)Probable meaning(s): dog is deceased, "You eat 'chicken by products' and see how you like it!", "Beef lips, my ass, I want steak", "I just 'cleaned' the litter box for ya", "Beggin' strip first, then lamb and rice", "Wheat gluten?? Do I look like a friggin' vegan to you?", "Just licked my butt, holdin' on to the taste"
Action:
frantic barking for no apparent reason
Assumed meaning: "Something
momentous is afoot"Probable Meaning(s): "Feed me", "Gosh, I love making this noise!", "The mailman is across the street", "Boy, It's great to be a dog", "The cat is on the table", "Timmy is:(in the well, in the cave, trapped by a fallen branch, threatened by a cougar"), "I just farted and scared myself (actually observed!)", "Why not, what else do I have to do?"
Action:
Puts head on your knee or lap and looks lovingly into your eyes
Assumed meaning: "I love
you"Probable meaning: "I love you", "I have gas"
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