Whew, that was close!

Whew! That was close!

        I had a strange moment today while imbibing the first of many cups of coffee. I was doing the daily  crossword - in ink because that's how I roll! I was  also  sort of listening to/watching  Good Morning America. I am watching now on a daily basis to see just how many more ways Ginger Zee can look absolutely fantastic in maternity wear. Oops, got sidetracked there for a moment.

       Anyway, a commercial came on for a treatment for fibromyalgia. The last paragraph contained the assurance that whatever the stuff was, it was "made from 'naturally sourced' pumpkin seeds."  I immediately, analytical thinker that I am,  began reflecting on just what other kind of pumpkin seeds there might be. I had nuthin'. There are no alien pumpkins as far as we know, (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) unless those Area 51 gummint guys at Roswell have some we don't know about.  I realized that I'd been briefly captured yet again by the use of undefined high sounding but nugatory advertising doublespeak.

        The term "naturally sourced" may be used with impunity simply because food quality regulators choose not to define either word.  Those words are not orphans, never fear. "But Mike,"  you might ask, "What other bullshit terms are we subjected to?"  Relax, don't you know I'm gonna tell you?

        "Sustainable" Doesn't it sound  noble, just to pronounce it?  Almost  makes one think of a handsome farm girl in hemp Crocs, gently stirring cow manure and table scraps into a raised bed made of recycled barn wood while composing an ode to her vegan bicycle, doesn't it?  In reality has no meaning other than "I think we can still get this cheap stuff through the end of next month."

        "Local/Artisanal."  Either of these two terms sounds good alone,  but together, they are advertising Kryptonite for the unwary. "Artisan" is just an undefined name for a person who produces a product. If you see art in pumpkin production, you are an ad agency's nighttime fantasy." Local" should have some limitations, one might think, but in reality, one major restaurant chain which I won't name, but it rhymes with "Chipotle", considers "local" to be anywhere within a 350 mile radius! To put that in perspective, that means anywhere within 384,845 square miles. A Chipotle in western PA could claim that produce from both Detroit and Boston were "local!"          

        "Light (or Lite)."  While this may actually mean fewer calories, it almost assuredly means "far more processing" a close second is "less real nutritional value."  A not so distant third is "probably contains some chemicals which aren't really food." Again, undefined,  persons considering "Light/Lite" alternatives to real food might consider that margarine is only a molecule or two away from paint.  In fact Lays "Lite " potato chips which originally were marketed with Olestra, a fat substituted, sold poorly when consumers read the part about Olestra possibly causing  (swear to God) "oily anal leakage." MMMM salsa anyone?

        "Real."  Real, I guess, means not fake. Unfortunately, a label blurb like "Made with real chicken" (and pet food producers are masterful in this misdirection) may mean that 144 grams of food contains 50 milligrams of fowl, and the rest other stuff.  Made with real beef, for essentially all main stream pet food producers means  beef, if the first ingredient on the label is the  largest portion of the whole product. What it will never say is that  most of said "real" beef meets the "3 D" definition. Dead, Dying or Diseased, when processed.  

        So now, it's time for another cup of  "fair trade, sustainable artisan produced, locally sourced, real, all natural vegan K cup coffee. I'm here to help. Return to your usual programming.