The "News?"

Y’know how sometimes you just skim through the daily paper on your way to the Soduku, Jumble and Crossword, and then other times stuff just sort of leaps out you and makes you think WTF? That was today.

I guess it started with my recognition that the space typically reserved for the smarmy, pretentious wine review was, today, occupied by a review (honest to God) for Miller High Life Beer!

“Well,” I thought, “Why not,” being prepared to read something like, “Carefully roasted, fermented malted barley with just the right touch of fine Washington State high desert hops…etc.” However, what I read was this (verbatim): “A bouquet that tastes pleasingly of apple juice and Corn Nuts. Light and sweet with just a hint of toffee. Highly drinkable and remarkably skunk-free considering that it comes in a clear glass bottle…”

I immediately, (well, ok, after I stopped laughing) imagined a couple of guys at the bar and one turns to the barkeep and says “Damn, Phil, this shit tastes like corn nuts soaked in apple juice and crushed Heath bars, gimme something else!” It occurs to me that Miller has been brewing this beer, vending it in clear glass, since 1903. I’ll bet that if there was a “skunkiness” factor associated with clear glass bottles they’d have addressed it in 116 years. It's an American light lager beer. I'd think it would taste sorta like one, huh? 

The Local and State section had a deeply moving and relevant (ok, I made that up) article on National Day of Prayer. Almost as I read that, the homophones “National Waste of Air” popped into my head. Later as I looked further I saw a photo of Donald Trump standing behind what appeared to be an Orthodox Rabbi praying. This confirmed my earlier diagnosis.

In yet one more example of the absolute validity of Darwin’s belief in the survival of the fittest, here’s today’s proof:

“A visitor to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park climbed past the metal railing, lost his footing and fell into the Kilauea volcano caldera…”

One wonders exactly what sort of brain fart virus has led to the recent rash of apparent blindness to public safety barriers. “Volcano man,” an active duty Soldier, no less, (they let him handle weapons?) fell 70 feet, surviving, but critically injured, which, theoretically at least, means he’ll live to (possibly) breed more imbeciles. One imagines him looking down at the smoking, steaming, hot surface and thinking “Boy, I wish I could get down there.” He did.

The four individuals who “sky-dove” sans ‘chutes into the Grand Canyon in recent months were not so lucky, however, and neither was the woman at an Arizona zoo who attempted to perform a Vulcan mind meld with a jaguar,  ignoring the barriers outside the cage in the process. She has a shredded arm, while the Canyon divers are all deceased.  Somewhere, if one believes in some sort of afterlife, you can imagine Charles Darwin chuckling, and muttering “Dumbasses, you never listened!”

        In world news, we have this article describing a funeral meal in Peru: “At least nine people have died and dozens more became ill after eating contaminated food at a funeral in the Peruvian Andes, authorities said on Tuesday. Officials said that 50 people were affected and 20 of those were hospitalized with stomach pains and vomiting after a wake the previous day in the Ayacucho region of south-central Peru.”

The article finally mentions that a healthy dose, well, ok, an  unhealthy dose, of Organophosphate, a (potent pesticide) was the culprit. You just have to wonder. Did someone, depressed or just stupid, think, “Well, we’re here, it’s a funeral, the holes are dug, what the hell?’

Finally, from right here in good old Florida. We have had far more than our share, or anyone’s share for that matter, of school related shootings. One School resource officer has (appropriately, I think) been fired and his Sheriff superior fired as well, for lack of assertive action in the deplorable Parkland shootings. There is absolutely no humor in this or similar incidents, and I am not attempting to introduce any.

Having said that, A school resource officer in Florida wasn’t having a great afternoon last Tuesday after his Sig Saur 9mm automatic pistol discharged in the cafeteria. This happened after the unidentified officer at Weightman Middle School in Wesley Chapel “leaned against a wall,” according to a local CBS affiliate. Although holstered, it somehow fired into the cafeteria wall, the Pasco County Sheriff’s Office said. No one was injured, but school officials have initiated a full administrative investigation into the matter. (Well, yeah!)

A public affairs officer of the Pasco Sheriff’s Office told reporters the gun involved was a Sig Sauer model 320 9mm and that experts will break it down to see how the discharge happened.  

Because I have that kind of time, I did a bit of extra research on this and what I found will surprise exactly no one: Sig Sauer has issued several “fixes” to the 320 in response to repeated accidental discharge reports from both US Army and numerous law enforcement agencies. According to a CNN investigation, the U.S. Army found a problem with an identical gun during testing in 2016: The weapon would discharge by itself if dropped at a certain angle. Sig Sauer provided a repair for the military at least four months before launching the same fix for the civilian market. During the past few years, at least nine people have had their P320 pistols discharge when dropped or jostled. Three of those people are police officers who suffered gunshot injuries.  

Of course, the “damage control” reaction by Sig Sauer is to point the finger elsewhere: “SIG SAUER is aware of an incident involving the discharge of a firearm by a School Resource Officer in Pasco County, Florida. While we cannot comment on the specifics of the incident, it is our understanding (read this as "fervent hope") that this was a negligent discharge, rather than an accidental discharge as some media outlets have reported. SIG SAUER understands, and respects that the Pasco County Sheriff’s Department is conducting a complete and thorough investigation into this incident, and we trust those findings will be reported as soon as possible.” 

Meanwhile we wait for the next shot.