The Bible According to Trump

Another WaPo article (op-ed) this one satire, too good not to share to the non-subscribers

Alexandra Petri, Columnist

June 4, 2020 at 9:00 a.m. EDT

"If there was one thought in America’s mind when it watched our gallant president stride to St. John’s Episcopal Church and heft a Bible in one hand, it was: That man has definitely seen or held a Bible — or, indeed, any book — before, and he knows it cover to cover, from Genesis to Two Corinthians and even beyond! But what could be his favorite stories from that much-loved book of his, or someone’s? Here is my best guess.

Genesis: Two fools want more, better information rather than to feel blissfully ignorant all the time. They meet Tim Apple.

Exodus: Egypt, a land of very good administration, responds correctly to a series of plagues by changing nothing about its daily lives or routines.

Golden Calf: People are inexplicably punished for worshiping something shiny and fake.

Daniel: Ferocious beasts defy their duty to attack a man who has committed an offense against his ruler.

Lazarus: Very good illustration of how easy it is to recover if you put your mind to it and why nobody needs health coverage.

Job: Someone is treated almost but not quite as badly as Donald Trump gets treated every day.

Ruth: Ruth accompanies her relative Naomi to a new country in a disgraceful instance of chain migration.

Two Corinthians: There are Corinthians, and there are two of them, for sure!  (my explanation, Trump once referred to 2^nd Corinthians as “Two Corinthians.”  He stopped short of ….walked into an bar”)

Joshua and the Battle of Jericho: Very sad story about a man blowing blasts on a trumpet and damaging a wall.

Solomon: A man suggests a very good way of dealing with a disputed baby, but a nasty woman interferes.

Lot: A man’s wife does something different with herself physically, and he sort of notices after the fact.

David and Goliath: Someone makes the mistake of flinging a projectile at a heavily-armored man; they will need to come down on him hard.

Noah: This is a good, inspiring story about a wise man in a floating bunker avoiding a catastrophe, but on the other hand it is bad because he is also surrounded by animals, birds, reptiles — disgusting.

Jonah and the Whale: Bunker again, but worse.

Esther: Failed king listens to a woman about not inflicting violence on people?

Revelation: Beautiful first draft of Trump inauguration speech.

Abraham: Man confusingly remains married to the same woman for decades.

Temptation of Jesus: Man offered infinite worldly power; says no, like an idiot.

Crucifixion: Agitator gets what is coming to him."  

  End of WaPo article

At this point it occurred to me that there are several others which Trump missed in the briefing, but which he might have interpreted thus:

The Good Samaritan: Wealthy traveler risks disease by touching disgusting homeless guy.

Onan: Daring explorer discovers himself, one night.

Wedding in Canaan: Caterers fuck up, itinerant magician turns water into wine, for free (idiot).

Joseph: White guy goes to Egypt, runs brilliant dream interpretation scam into a fortune.

Moses: Tramp abandons child, he lucks out, turns on benefactors, escapes with entire workforce.  

Saul/Paul:  Fanatical, epileptic, Jew falls off horse, hits his head, invents new religion.

Salome:  Porn star traps king into marriage but keeps exotic dancer gig.

Talking Donkey: Balaam kicks his own ass, later heirs should sue Jim Carrey for copyright infringement

Sarah:  Old woman laughs at God, who retaliates by knocking her up. God finds this so amusing he does it to a 14 year-old 1800 years later.

Joseph (not the Egypt one):   Gullible laborer raises someone else’s kid.

Herod: Dynamic leader gets tough with socialist troublemaker, fake news slanders him later.