"Fastly" Really?

              Further ruminations on the abuse of language.

If you ever feel the need to hear truly egregious examples of poor grammar and syntax, watch an afternoon of college football.  Actually, the more insignificant the schools, the better the opportunity. Why,  You ask? Well, it goes like this.

At the pro level, there is plenty of atrocious usage and gratuitous chatter,  especially if Terry Bradshaw is doing commentary, alongside Bill Cowher spraying the mic (shut up, I know he can’t help it). Bradshaw even recently dropped an “f-bomb” on an open mic. This in itself isn’t surprising, but the fact that the context was in regard to someone’s maternal ancestor, was!  At least the major networks get fairly well known former successful pros as  color commentators who have been on mic before and in many cases are actually lucid and well spoken, if occasionally given to mind numbing repetition and bad taste in clothes. “We have to establish the run” is the favorite here. These guys’ main entertainment seems to be “dissing” each others’ former teams (Troy Aikmen). Another prime example is Chris Collinsworth, who seems to feel the need to fill  every second of dead air space with his encyclopedic knowledge of the game. On the extreme other end of this spectrum is Tony “Goose” Siragusa, who is as bright and well spoken as a block of cheese. And puhleeeze, will someone please tell Deon Sanders that Superfly called and wants his wardrobe back.

          Less given to prolixity, but also frequently somewhat less intelligible are the former jocks who may have had a brief pro career, but Tebowed when reality set in. See Jesse Palmer  as an example.  These guys seem to feel the air time with their keen assessment of the game, probably as they would have played it had they been talented enough to sustain careers more than two years. Some of these guys , Palmer, in all fairness is one, are actually bright, well spoken guys who are actually better at broadcasting than passing. They still are a step down the food chain as a group, when it comes to mangling the language. Yesterday I heard (yet again) the comment that a running back “gained positive yardage.” Really, no shit?  I wanna know when he “gains negative yardage.” Now that will be a story because, as I understand it, that’s actually called a “loss of yardage.” I’d love to think the announcer was doing some sort of algebra and assigning signs to ….. ahh, never mind, he’s just an idiot. I also got to hear (I swear, I’m not making this up) an on air color guy state that someone’s (a player) ability in one of the game fundamentals was “improving more fastly than the coaches had hoped”. Yes really, I played it back – “more fastly!” There  is no context in which that is even a word.

          The division two announcers are usually just good ole boys who would otherwise be sitting in front of the gas station flipping bottle caps reminiscing about how good they were at age 17. Occasionally you’ll get an ex coach who is simply devoid of any other skill set, so they work cheap.  A prime example right in Central Florida is former semi-pro and CFL player, Don Jonas who, after being fired as coach of the University of Central Florida Knights went gone on to a career as the worst radio football commentator and sports talk show host ever, and from that illustrious plateau to work in the lucrative and rewarding auto glass replacement industry.  Jonas was almost unintelligible, to the point that one never was quite sure whether what he said was a sign of ignorance or a slight stroke. There are many out there like him, unfortunately.