Top ten ways to tell she's not the one

Top ten ways to tell she's not the one

10.  She has a smile like the love child of Callista Gingrich and  The Joker.

9.   She hoards cats

8.   She stuffed envelopes for the NRA and has a "Ted Nugent"  tattoo on her abdomen

7.  Her favorite thing to make for dinner is reservations (oldie, but a goodie)

6.  The butterfly on her breast looks more like a vulture which circles her navel

5.  She refuses to give up her job as a sex surrogate for impotent dwarfs

4.  Her high school yearbook describes her as "most likely to develop acquired immunity to STDs"

3. During sex she randomly shouts the names of Nsynch, the Backstreet Boys, and the Bayonne chapter of Hell's Angels.

2.  She insists her mom come along on the honeymoon "for moral support"

1.  . She's conjoined with her brother at the pelvis

Top ten ways to tell he's not the one

Top ten ways  to tell he's not the one

10. You have a job and he doesn't

9.  He comes to your job and eats other worker's lunches

8.  He has an imaginary friend named Rollo, with whom he chats with  while you have sex

7.  He goes on retreats to "get in touch with his inner woman"

6.  Two words - "head lice"

5.  Road kill gives him a woody (woodie?) who knows

4.  He says diamonds are ordinary, but handcuffs are forever.

3.  He names  his body parts for members of the Third Reich (say hi to little Adolph!)

2.  He swears he loves only you and Janet Reno

1.  He has athlete's crotch

poor choices for children's book animal heros

Poor choices for Animal heroes  of children's books

10. Clucky the Rhode Island Red, the communist chicken

9. Harry the horny Hamster

8. Curious Bruce, the sexually ambiguous Kangaroo

7. Humpy the Great Dane

6. Andy, the incontinent Aardvark

5. Barfy, the hairball Cat

4. Clifford the big red Shrew

3. Larry Lyme, tick detective

2. Manny the bipolar electric Eel

1. Francis  the flatulent Fawn

Top Tens

I will be generating a series of Top Ten lists (hats off to Dave Letterman). So here goes:

                                   Top Ten reasons to never post to Facebook again

10.  You are functionally illiterate

9.  You are unable to write a sentence without including an "f-bomb" or its derivative.

8.  You are a sheep who simply agrees with everything your friends think is cool.

7.  You believe Snooki's pregnancy is "rad" and a sign from God that Snooki will; be "a great mom."

6.  You "like" groups  or movements  whose aims you  don't comprehend because a Kardashian does.

5.  You actually admit to having committed an illegal act because it's "cool."

4.  Your facebook name has the term "Badassmofo" in it.

3. You use numbers and single letters as parts of speech (see Prince: " I would die 4 U")

2. You "liked" the "Grant Charles Manson Parole" icon

1.  You have seen Jesus'  face in an oil spill in your garage and want to start a new sect called Pete's Pennzoil  Apostles.

A rant on Language

4/22/2012 - just a rant

                I have friends (I know, who'd have thunk it?) who are English teachers , or as they are now known - Language Arts teachers.  They  frequently hover somewhere between outrage, depression and despair  due to the horrific things being done to the English language these days. I fully agree with my colleagues, as we seem to be bombarded from all quarters with perversions of the language. I reflected on the things that drive them and me nuts, and came up with this partial list.

1. No  word in the language is made plural by the use of an apostrophe followed by an "s" ! Not a one, none, zip, nada. period.  Yet we see TV ads and signboards paid for, I assume,  by persons who want "consumer's"  to appreciate their superior "product's." I wish I was making this up, but the other day I saw an advertisement for "donut's."  A misspelling wrapped in a mispunctuation ...aargh, make it stop!

2. A point that is so obvious or so immutable that arguing it is pointless is "moot."  It isn't "mute",  as about 60 % of Americans spell and pronounce it. Of course if it were actually mute, there wouldn't be an argument either.

3. There are three homophones (sometimes confused with the word homonym) that sound like "there."  Unfortunately, in Facebook Speak, a particularly virulent form of language abuse, they are used interchangeably there ("in that place")  , Facebook land), with no regard to their (plural possessive) totally different meaning.  They're (contraction for "they are")  one of the most heinous examples of this genre, followed closely by the frequent bastardization of you're and your, as in you're (contraction of you are) clearly demonstrating  your syntactical illiteracy (it belongs to you) by the entry on your Facebook page.

4. Even worse is the misuse of the word board. I've seen entries such as "I'm board (in fact, a piece of wood) ."   The correct terminology, unless proudly proclaiming wood, is I'm bored (as in I need something to do).  These could be self correcting if you use some imagination.

5. We are frequently bombarded by commercials urging us to  use a product or plan an event, or arrange a meal "How you want it". This is really common and, really incorrect. You can have it the way you want it,  or as you want it;  or if you're Shakespeare, "As You Like it." Them's  the choices.

6. Very few things is the Universe are so homogeneous that the word "totally" is apt or appropriate five or six times in a sentence when describing it or them. Ok? Ok!  

7. I thought this discussion was laid to rest in a great episode of Murphy Brown, but it lives on around here.  What the hell does "alls  I  know" mean? (as in :"Well, alls I know is that he got a bayheehearn.) The only words that are even homophones for this non-word ("alls") are "awls" as in several leatherworking tools and a selection of what Paula Deen dresses salads with - "oils" -pronounced awls, as in "Awl and Vinegar dressin'")

8." Irregardless" isn't a real word, it is a distressingly more and more frequent irregular usage of "regardless."  If you doubt me, open up your word processor, type "irregardless" and spell check it. Guess what the proffered  correction is? You guessed it - regardless. Microsoft Word said it, so be it.

9. A definitive, uniquely designated thing is "specific." The  Ocean west of the Americas is Pacific. I can't give you a "Pacific reason"  for your linguistic shortcomings other than gross ignorance.

10. The last, and most convoluted of my list (to date) is two homonyms and a homophone, all of which I have seen thoroughly confused and misapplied.  Through (as in via), through (as in finished), and threw, (as in tossed) seem to be essentially interchangeable in the minds of many these days. An abused cousin of these three is thorough (as in complete, comprehensive), which is often inappropriately abridged in Ad speak to thoro.   On the bright side there is one application of these which everyone gets right/wrong.  If someone barfs, hurls, heaves, pukes, yawns in Technicolor, sells Buicks or upchucks, we all say they threw up. No one says "he through" up. On the other hand, "it"  never stays "up", but always comes down, usually on someone's shoes, hair or back seat.

And I do believe that's all I have to say about that (for now).

transitions

Two American icons made transitions yesterday April 18, 2012,  and we will likely not see their equals again. . The first, the "winningest"  coach in NCAA basketball history, Pat Summitt, stepped down, eight months after being diagnosed with early onset dementia.  It would be sufficient as a memoriam just to recognize the number of wins that the Tennessee Lady Vols amassed under her tutelage, but anyone who played for her would tell you she was so much more than just their coach.  She has a career winning percentage of .842,  8 national championships, 14 conference titles, 8 times NCAA coach of the year, Coach of the Century. More significant than that however,  is the success in life of her former players.  70 former players are currently coaching, and UT had a 100% graduation rate for her students completing their eligibility; Pat Summitt produced 20 All- Americans and 12 Olympians, and 13% of all her players became professionals. All this in 35 seasons. The diagnosis early in 2011 of Alzheimer's became simply another hurdle to be met. She is the very antithesis of the good ol' boy coaches who are idols until caught with their feet firmly imbedded in the clay. (and that is an alarmingly large list, expanding daily!)

                The other transition is the final one made by Dick Clark. Many younger persons will only identify him as the old guy who they found to be simply an amusing anachronism  when he  counted down New Year's Eve.  To a teenager growing up in western Maryland however, where local radio played only two  kinds of music (Country and Western), Dick Clark was the young man who was clean cut enough to allay the concerns of  the parents who thought Rock and Roll was the devil's music, and smart enough to know that we wanted to see and hear what local radio wasn't, for the most part, playing.  When I was twelve years of age, I knew I loved rock and roll. I also knew I could only hear it at night, when AM radio signals broadcast from WKBW in Buffalo, NY and WLAC, in Nashville, TN would  "skip" enough to reach western MD. Imagine my delight when Dick Clark convinced ABC  to go national with a TV show which not only showed us new dances and styles, and played the music we loved, but also showed us artists, especially  ones  we'd never see on Ed Sullivan, because they were Black, like Little Richard or too raucous and controversial, like Jerry Lee Lewis. Dick Clark was truly a visionary in the early years of TV.  The success of American Bandstand spun off local versions in most American cities.  What he did throughout the first thirty years of his long career was cutting edge, sometimes for the better, sometimes just schlock, but always profitable.  Dick Clark ,  rewrote the book on television  in the late afternoon for teens , as Johnny Carson did  late at night for adults.  There have been many imitators, but few  with similar broad appeal.    

Really?

As expected, my letter regarding the great white hunter and the inappropriateness of it, didn't make the op-ed pages of the Daily Rag. What did, was a column by convicted felon Oliver North criticizing President Obama for "selling out" Israel. Why does anyone lend any credence to this man, a principal player in one of the worst foreign policy failures in the last half of the 20th century? As an ...aside, and because I just remembered it, guess who benefitted from financial interest in the company that made the missiles illegally sold to Iran? Rick Santorum! For all his posturing about honor, fair play, etc, Santorum was a principal enabler for the company in his home state of PA which was manufacturing and (knowingly) illegally syphoning them off to Iran. Talk about being morally bankrupt!

This as a way of expanding on what I just posted:

"To round out the list of Republicans, there’s Rick Santorum of Pennsylvania, who was very young at that time. When he was still Congressman Santorum, he profited immensely through that ISC scandal (International Signals and Controls) in Scranton, Pennsylvania. You probably remember the deal. Gordon and Jacobson ran it. And Gordon wound up going ...to jail. Jacobson quietly left the country and now lives in Israel. But Santorum profited quite handsomely off that deal as did Arlen Specter."

They went to jail, or left the country, Santorum went to the US Senate!

ISC made guidance systems and fabricated a significant portion of the hardware for the Hawk missiles illegally channeled to Iran in a direct negation of the Reagan stated policy of "never negotiating for hostages." While I don't criticize President Reagan for doing it, (one of the few cases where he abandoned rhetorical doctrine in favor of good sense) I loathe the follow on actions (by all credible accounts, known and approved by both Reagan and VP Bush) to channel the funds from these sales to the Contras, in direct violation of an act of Congress (The Boland Amendment). For this North and SecDef Caspar Weinberger were convicted of felonies, later pardoned by Reagan on his way out the door. Teflon Ron and Poppy Bush simply lied their way out of it. Consider the irony: Clinton lies about a moral lapse - impeachment; Bush/Reagan lie about a real crime against the nation - still waiting!

a mega millions mega dumbass

I see that the alleged mega-millions winner in Maryland (my home state) now says she has "misplaced" the ticket. I might misplace my car keys, or even my wallet, but a $200 million plus lottery ticket! Really? There actually may be such a thing as too dumb to have money!

So, in honor of Mirlande Wilson:

Won big lotto bucks
now can't locate my ticket
can you say "loser?"

Had winner in hand
had head up my nether parts
it sux to be me.

Haiku

Primaries ending,

Newt, Rick and Mitt pals again

political whores


Newt's think tank bankrupt

so much for his creds and cash

trophy wife goes next?

"Scriptural teaching??"

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Mama Grizzly? More like mama ostrich!

I noticed that Katie Couric and Sarah Palin are on one of the morning "news/entertainment" shows. They were ballyhooing it as a sort of "rematch" between Katie and, as they put it, Palin the "momma grizzly". Seriously?? Can we please once and for all stop stroking this deluded woman's ego and call her what she is - Quitter? A mother bear of any species will fight to the death protect her respons...ibilities (her cubs); Sarah Palin quit her responsibility as Governor of Alaska when it was no longer fun. It seems to me to be indicative as to how much the conservative side of the Republican Party has become focused on illusion and image (Palin, Santorum, etc) and how little on substance. Palin fit's well with Winston Churchill's evaluation pof Anthony Eden - "There's no there, there.

Poetry??

Ahhh, the muse returneth! Yet one more political Haiku

Romney sweeps three more

large number of delegates

bite it, Santorum!

Just because Jenn asked for poetry: another simple Haiku:

Conservative tripe,

spewing forth in ignorance

sux to the tenth power