Very Best of the Darwin Awards

        Since stupidity is rife right now in many areas of human endeavor, it's easy to forget the depths to which  real, abysmally stupid behavior  can plunge. Accordingly here are several more Darwin Award winners from the last couple of years. As always, the standard disclaimer, don't try anything remotely approaching these acts of ignorance at home.  

First, from the Netherlands (Holland for those of you who flunked geography):

A Double Darwin Award twofer! Two (terminally, it turns out!) intoxicated men dared each other to test their courage against an commuter train at a Rotterdam train station. At 6pm  on a Sunday evening, the station was jammed  with more  fans returning from a soccer-match. Apparently the possibility of being ballsy in front of witnesses was a stimulant.  The two men stepped off the platform and  onto the tracks. One of these inebriates  lay down between the tracks, intending to prove that the entire train would pass over him. What a story he would have!  His friend less confident, and perhaps a bit more sober,  merely knelt down next to the track and kept his head as close as possible to where he thought the train's profile would be. Turns out that the 130 km/h  (81 mph!) train that came down the track a few seconds later was both significantly lower AND wider they thought. They were killed instantly. The crowd went wild (I suppose)! The gene pool rippled a sigh of relief. Apparently, Dutch emergency response personnel were forced to clean up not only body parts, but a significant amount of spectator  vomit.

May 2014, near Tucson:  Arizona) The mummified remains of a man discovered in a Tucson manhole tell a sad story of not paying attention in science class. 

 In May this particular  manhole was opened to investigate an unexplained  fluctuation in electrical power. According to records kept by Tucson Electric Power the manhole had not been opened in the past five years, so the team that entered the underground high-voltage vault was quite surprised to find the desiccated remains of a man slumped near cut copper wires. In his shriveled hand was -- can you guess? -- a bolt cutter. It is surmised that he was attempting to scavenge the copper for resale.

Crime pays so little, and costs so much! This award winner  nominee not only failed and sizzled,  but  nobody noticed, making his death both stupid and sad. An autopsy confirmed  that electrocution was the likely cause of death. The date of death was set at somewhere between one and two years previous to the discovery. The mummy was carrying ID for a 51-year-old man, and DNA testing is underway to attempt to ID the  crispy copper critter.

A more prosaic  recent (2014) story comes from  Georgia, where  18-year-old Chance Werner, who  had recently graduated from high school,  was at Lake Allatoona outside of NW Atlanta early on Sunday morning celebrating with friends by playing the Shopping Cart Game (can't you already tell this will end badly?).

 The Shopping Cart Game is evidently popular and even more so when alcohol is involved. As normally played (if doing what I'm about to describe can be termed "normal"),  a (stolen, of course) shopping  cart is usually anchored to a pole or tree at the dock. The cart is poised on the dock, someone climbs in, and friends launch the shopping cart off the dock and into the water. Ha! The soggy rider climbs out of the water, the cart is reeled back in, and the game begins again.

Adding booze to this caused the aptly named ("Chance" remember) lad,  in the wee hours between Saturday night and Sunday morning, to decide to be the tree and tie the cart to his own  belt. He was dragged into the water and drowned. Several hours later his body was recovered from nine meters of water, still tied to the shopping cart.

We have had far too much of terror bombings recently, but every once in a while the 75 Virgin  seeking morons get to meet Karma head on and discover  that she's a bitch! here's an example:

Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians stubbornly refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling nightmares  ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time. At  precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by inept design by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions.

The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises. I'm trying really hard to feel sorry, but just can't get there.

The internet has facilitated many , in fact probably too many, long distance relationships between persons who should have never been allowed to meet. As proof, I submit the following:

a Missouri man traveled to Maine to meet his internet soul mate . In a bizarre mashup of  "You've Got Mail" with "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," James "X"  swung a chainsaw and severed his own neck, in a futile effort to prove his love to the woman who had spurned his romantic overtures after meeting him face to face. The relationship with "Beth" had bloomed over the internet for over a year , and  poor James moved from Missouri to Maine to further the affair. Meeting him and apparently not caring for what she saw, Beth, instead insisted upon ending the relationship. Distraught, James drove to her house , beat on the door, and asked her adult son to get his mother. The son refused and locked all the doors. James pulled a chainsaw from his trunk, stood on the lawn, and performed his macho act in a vain attempt to impress the depth of his feelings upon the woman.

Police arrived to find him barely alive. James died in the hospital shortly thereafter.

Debra, a friend of the deceased, believes that "Beth" abused James' affection. "He spent thousands of dollars on calls, email, computers," she said, "and also helped that woman pay her bills." As it turns out, James had attempted suicide five years earlier, and had seemingly recovered his equilibrium. He purchased the chainsaw in Maine a week prior to his sensational death. One last blip of weirdness in this saga;  James has two brothers also named James, and the three are distinguished by middle names. Is this clear sign of parental lunacy a coincidence, or the cause of his insanity? I believe all three might be in play here.

Giving "The rocket's red glare" new significance circa November 8, 2006:

Upon responding to a frantic 999 (UK version of 911) call, Sunderland, England  paramedics found a man in agony, having suffered  injuries including a scorched colon(hurts to even type that!), caused by a Black Cat Thunderbolt rocket. The 22-year-old had, unbelievably, apparently assisted by a considerable amount of adult beverage, inserted this rocket in his butt, laid down on his front side, and lit the fuse in an attempt to make the rocket fly up into the air. But it was pointing the other way! Reread and think about this!  The regional Firework Association chairman spoke for us all when he said, "This sort of thing is beyond belief."

Now let's return to domestic moronic acts that help thin the herd:

 Police in Reston, Virginia, issued a statement saying they had found the body of 22-year-old Eric Barcia, who had apparently died attempting to bungee jump off a 70 foot bridge. This would not be the first such death, but the manner in which it happened lowered the Darwin bar significantly. Mr. Barcia, apparently an avid amateur "Bungee(er"?) , eschewing commercial bungee operations,  had apparently taken matters into his own hands and tied several shorter bungee cords together. Strapping himself on securely, he tied the other end to the bridge, and jumped, confident in the knowledge that he’d carefully measured out the bungee’s total length – just under 70 foot. Of course, what Eric had forgotten was that bungee cords stretch… you get the picture.

We've all shuddered at the foolishness of those who seem determined to go ever Niagara falls in a barrel, but it gets better!:

In 1995, a particularly daring daredevil named Robert decided to attempt something no-one had ever done before – ride his jet ski off Niagara Falls. That's right, ride his jet ski.....off.......!!!

Now that might sound completely stupid (it does) , but Robert had done some planning. He’d fitted his jet ski with a rocket booster and was carrying a parachute. Evel Knievel would actually "get" this! The idea being that he would  fire the booster as he hit the falls, opening the parachute at the apex of his flight and drifting down to safety in the water below. What could go wrong? Make a list! Unfortunately Robert had failed to factor in one crucial element – the fact that water makes things wet, and the Niagara River is rougher than most.

As he hurtled towards the falls and pressed the button, his utterly-soaked rocket booster failed to ignite. Plummeting off the edge, he tried his parachute, but guess what?  It wasn’t water-proof either and failed to deploy! Needless to say, Guinness didn't get a call on this one.

Several years later, jetskiing featured in the Darwin Awards once more. This time the genetically deprived individual was also ignorant of physics. 

 "Rodney"  was happily doing laps of Lake Washington when he realized his battery was running a bit low. Pulling up toward the shore he moored his jet ski and ran to get a set of jumper leads. He plugged the ends into a 110 volt outlet and ran down to the water’s edge carrying the clips. Unfortunately he didn’t just stop at the edge, but ran on into the water, completing the circuit with his wet body and  electrocuting himself instantly. His body was  found floating under the dock later that evening.

In The Name of Love (not the  song by U2, but a grisly death due to stupidity and poor self control:

 A young couple, were driving along the largest freeway in Brazil with tons of heavy traffic, at 6AM under heavy fog. The couple decided that this was the time to park and have a bit of the old in/out. Accordingly they parked on the freeway in the right-hand lane, not on the shoulder, not in the median, or at a gas station, but in the friggin (apt adjective, I thought) road.. Naturally, given time a cargo truck encountered a "speed bump," instantly killing both -- during the act of procreation -- double-double Darwin Award! (2) people making (2) obviously bad decisions, and natural selection acts at the very moment the two are reproducing. Textbook!

"Good Evening....: 

A college student costumed himself as Dracula for Halloween. As a finishing touch, he put a pine board down the front of his shirt so he could "realistically" sink a knife into the board and pretend he was transfixed by a vampire-killing stake. He didn't consider the strength of the thin pine board when he tapped the knife in with a hammer. Propelled by the force of the hammer, the sharp blade split the soft wood and buried itself in his heart. He staggered from his dorm room into the Halloween party, gasping, "I really did it!" before succumbing. Like the Dark Lord himself, that really sucks!

Unfortunately, death by train is almost too common to merit a Darwin Award. Few people are apparently unaware of the three immutable  "Fun Physics Facts" facts about trains: 1) Trains cannot stop quickly. 2) Trains cannot swerve. 3) In any collision, the train always wins:

Forgetting these basic rules, a 20-year old man was walking down the railroad tracks near Kalamazoo, Michigan. This, in and of itself, is not even close to Darwinian stupidity. Trains are loud, and they announce their approach from quite a distance, allowing ample time to clear their path. However, this guy  made sure the odds were in the train's favor by wearing a pair of headphones with the music turned up loud. Louder than the train's whistle, apparently. The news report didn't mention what song he was listening to, but I'm guessing it was "Don't Look Back" by Boston, or maybe "Long Train Runnin' by the Doobies." 

Well, that's all for now, but never fear, even as we speak, somewhere out there, the gene pool is continually purging itself, one moron at a time.