New Rule #9 Jocks and Malaprops

New Rule: (apologies to Bill Mahre)  If you are going to broadcast  commentary on college football games you must be literate enough to have passed freshman English.

          I am sick and tired of hearing broadcast staff , in all fairness, usually the "color" commentator,  mangle the language as if it was his third or fourth.  An especially egregious  offense is the frequent use of a phrase which revolves around "gaining  positive yardage!" will someone please tell these clowns  that positive yardage is the only kind you can  gain. The opposite is a loss of  yardage!   Many  ex-jocks in the booth seem to have difficulty with when to use He, Him, I, and Me in conjunction. The examples of incorrect usage are too numerous to single one out. Another fave is former pro, now commentator  Joe Theismann  who, when someone described a particular coach as a genius, stated that, ""Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." Norman? Really?

          Another , heard yesterday, is "This team really came to play ball!" No shit? I thought it was a quilting bee. Here's another Duh! moment: "It's clear Stanford is going to have to outscore Arizona if they want to win."  Yes, Virginia, it has always been thus. The urge to sound like a deep thinker sometimes leads to flights of totally unintended semi-religious homoeroticism, such as "If you're fortunate enough to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it." And I thought that was Steven Hawking or someone with real value! Another from yesterday, "He was looking ahead with his eyes." We must assume the sonar wasn't working!? This gem from Lee Corso, actually not usually an offender, but... "Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States." Another from ol' Lee: "He's a tough runner, and he's really tough."  We get it, Lee, he's tough. Coach and now commentator, Bill Cowher, on allegations that his Steelers were doing something shady: "We're weren't  attempting to circumcise rules."  Now that's a relief!  This from sideline genius, Tony Siragusa:  . “It looks like they didn’t have enough offenders to defend defensively.” Huh? This statement in and of itself is offensive.

          Terry Bradshaw, the sage of Pittsburgh, is a weekly offender. He   made a statement which is grammatically correct, but syntactically incorrect, "I may be dumb, but I  ain't stupid." If he were dumb, we wouldn't have to listen to examples of his stupidity.  Former FSU QB and announcer Danny Kanell showed us he still has the gift: "You look at this guy & in a few seconds, you can see he's a football player."  Was it the uniform? The shoulder pads? The glazed stare? Not to be out done, another Floridian, Jesse Palmer, had this to say  "Alabama gave up 435 yards to LSU. That's the most they've given up in 5 years this season."  Now I know what a coach means when he says it's going to be a long season, but five years???  "That was a pre-determined play called in the huddle." Sooo, that's where they call 'em!  Never  fear, Reece Davis put us back on track with : "And the second half is going to follow this halftime."

          Now for a series of simply stupid statements, all from "color" commentators: "There's grass between the knee and the ground.",  "They've lost 5 games by a total of an average of 3 points.", "Steve Spurrier will go for the Juggler here.", "It's a gimme throw as long as the QB puts it on the money and the WR catches it.", "Let's update you on Auburn vs LSU. The Tigers lead it 9-0."(both teams are nicknamed the Tigers!) ,  "I'm not big on the Beavers right now, I know David Pollack is big on the Beavers, he's sipping that Beaver juice."( I'm afraid to ask!), "It's got to be inconclusive video evidence to overturn the call on the field." (That would be "conclusive", idiot), "The ball is getting wet b/c of the raindrops" (glad it's not snot, phlegm, or blood!)   

          Sometimes, the statement may be fine, but the double entendre quality makes it funny anyway. here are just a few: "David Ash has had guys coming in his face all day"(Todd Blackledge)   "Did the center get it up? Did the quarterback pull out?" (John Madden) "Another set of Cougars are blocking the Beavers."( Chris Fowler) "She can't put that thing in her mouth...wow, that is huge!"(Kirk Herbstreit, yeah, really).

          This sort of thing makes Michael Strahan,  a bright guy anyway, come across like Sir John Gielgud by comparison.  And we ask ourselves, "Is our children learning?" (G.W. Bush) 

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