Top ten ways to tell a
Conservative from a Tea Partier
10. Conservatives blame the horrible
climatic disasters in the midwest on President Obama; Tea Partiers blame it on
the “Gummint’s Secret Weather Machine”
9. Conservatives
genuinely appreciate the US Military and are patriots in their own way; Tea Partiers
fear the military will some day be used to make them stop stockpiling illegal
weapons, forcibly marrying twelve year olds, urging Cabinet members be “shot in
the vagina” [yes, really], and blocking Michelle Bachmann’s “husband” from
coming out.
8. Conservatives
think Sarah Palin was an “unfortunate” choice in 2008; Tea partiers think she
should be vetted for sainthood.
7. Conservatives
wish Michelle Bachmann would shut the hell up, Tea Partiers think she’s a hot
savant.
6. Conservatives
consider Ted Nugent a reasonable spokesperson for the gun lobby; Tea Partiers think he’s a pussy.
5. Conservatives
think Bristol Palin is a talentless, teen mom, stardom seeker; Tea Partiers think
she’s relevant, hot, and probably a genius.
4. Conservatives
think Benghazi provided a good
opportunity to attack the President on foreign policy and discredit Hilary
Clinton; Tea Partiers believe ity provided a failed opportunity to vaporize
North Africa in a cloud of nuclear dust.
3. Conservatives
believe there might be some truth to the whole global warning
thing; Tea Partiers know it’s part of President Obama’s secret plan to do…., ah
hell, whatever they want to blame on him this week.
2. Conservatives
think the Diary of Anne Frank is overtly sexual in nature and should be removed
from High School reading lists, Tea partiers home school and think the Bible (King
James Version only, please) is all the text book any “right thinking Amurcan” ever needs.
1. Conservatives
think Trayvon Martin was a depraved delinquent,
legally shot by a true American hero; Tea Partiers think George Zimmermen saved
America from a Liberal Zombie Apocalypse
Clone plan to kill all white persons.
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