Top Tens Dave Letterman Wouldn't Do!

 

                   Top Tens Unsuitable for TV 


Top ten ways to tell he's not the one

10. You have a job and he doesn't

9.  He comes to your job and eats other worker's lunches

8.  He has an imaginary friend named Rollo, with whom he chats during sex.

7.  He goes on retreats to "get in touch with his inner woman"

6.  Two words - "head lice"

5.  Roadkill gives him a woody. (woodie?) who knows

4.  He insists diamonds are ordinary, but handcuffs are forever.

3.  He names his body parts for members of the Third Reich (say hi to little Adolph!)

2.  He swears he loves only you and Ginni Thomas.

1.  He has athlete's crotch

 

Poor choices for Animal heroes of children's books

10. Clucky the Rhode Island Red, the communist chicken

9. Harry the horny Hamster

8. Curious Bruce, the sexually ambiguous Kangaroo

7. Humpy the Great Dane

6. Andy, the incontinent Aardvark

5. Barfy, the hairball Cat

4. Clifford the big red Shrew

3. Larry Lyme, tick detective

2. Manny the bipolar electric Eel

1. Francis the flatulent Fawn

 

Top ten ways to tell she's not the one

10.  She has a smile like the love child of Marjorie Taylor Green  and The Joker.

9.   She hoards cats

8.   She stuffs envelopes for the NRA and has a "Ted Nugent slept here" tramp stamp.

7.   Her role model is Sarah Palin.

6.  Her pinup calendar features Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham in compromising positions.

5.  She refuses to give up her job as a sex surrogate for impotent dwarfs.

4.  Her high school yearbook describes her as "most likely to develop acquired immunity to STDs."

3. During sex she randomly shouts the names of Kid Rock, Harvey Weinstein, Joel Osteen, and the entire Bayonne chapter of Hell's Angels.

2.  She insists her mom come along on the honeymoon "for moral support."

1. She's conjoined with her brother at the pelvis.

 

Top ten collectibles while driving from Washington, DC to The Villages, Florida in one day.

10.  A speeding ticket in Virginia for driving while being from Florida.

9.    15 ounces of love bug innards on your windshield.

8.   40-ounce drive thru drink in collectable NASCAR cup.

7.   Unplanned 40-ounce emergency pee at next rest stop.

6.   A "South of the Border" Dale Earnhart commemorative spit cup.

5.   Athlete’s butt.

4.   A roadkill armadillo, or as it’s known in Georgia, "Possum on the Half Shell."

3.   Nausea from Georgia pulp mills.

 2.  The middle finger from the hitchhiker with dreadlocks, shorts at half-mast and a meat axe on his shoulder.

1.  A determination to fly next time.