New rule #22 - truth in advertising

New Rule # 22:   If you're going to sell a product, there are two criteria. First, it must really do what you  say it will do, and second, It can't be repackaged common sense stuff which you magically brand as "new and different".

          Have you ever noticed that all the ads that start with "What ____ (insert profession) don't want you to know" are usually for some off the wall weird shit like "homeopathic Crystal aroma therapy bunion powder" or something equally strange. One of the more ridiculous ones recently is the "What the power companies and Obama don't want you to know" advertisement for a set of DVDs entitled "Power for Patriots,"  since apparently only patriots need electrical power.  The purveyor's advertisement begins with a tirade which generally states that everyone in government, but especially the President (why not? He's been blamed for everything else?) is part of a massive plot to raise your electricity bill and have you become a slave to the electric companies who, according to this guy can raise your rates at will (totally false, that's why there are Public Utilities Commissions to regulate them) and enslave you. But, if you buy his DVDs, you will be empowered to independently power your home and be free of the utilities.  You get this far, and are expecting at the very least, a home cold fusion breakthrough or something equally exciting, like the Delorian's "Mister Fusion" power supply from Back to the Future. Actuality is somewhat more prosaic. The DVDs are simply recycled information readily available on the internet, with "how tos" on U-tube for making solar panels, wind turbines and solar water heaters. Patriots can save all the money they were going to spend on the DVDs and buy an assault rifle before the supply dries up, lol.

          Another serious fraud is that perpetrated by author Kevin  Trudeau in the ultimate collection entitled "Natural Cures, what 'They' Don't Want You to Know"  (damn them!) Here, then are ol' Kevin's "can't miss" weight loss secrets (which apparently, the medical profession doesn't want you to know) 
Drink a glass of water immediately upon arising from bed.

Eat a big breakfast, Drink 8 full glasses of pure water a day,
Walk for at least one hour, non-stop, per day, Do not eat after 6 pm.
Do a candida cleanse ( not sure, but I don't think that's an "eating thing")
Do a colon cleanse (I am sure this isn't),
Consume 100% organic, virgin, unrefined coconut oil. (off the scale in saturated fat!)
Use infrared saunas (vice real ones, with steam and stuff?).
Absolutely no aspartame or artificial sweeteners, Absolutely no MSG.
Take digestive enzymes,  Absolutely no diet sodas or diet food.
No fast food, No high fructose corn syrup, Fast.
Eliminate the urge to eat when not hungry, Allow yourself to "cheat" by having a food craving once a day.

Absolutely every one of these "miracle " discoveries has been recommended by doctors for decades, with the exception of the Coconut Oil, Candida cleanse and colon cleanse, and they are of doubtful benefit. Kevin's opus is replete with other info of dubious benefit.

          Even more egregious are the various products that are guaranteed to remove "toxins" from your body via soles of the feet (Japanese foot pads),  through the skin (the "Aqua Detox" machine") or more familiarly, via the open end of your digestive tract (too many "purge/detox" ads to specify) The "skin detox pad " products all share one common trait; they  all contain in various quantities, crystallized wood vinegar, a massively hygroscopic salt that absorbs water through the soles of the feet (or wherever else you stick them) and in doing so turn a dark brown which is,  coincidentally, what their purveyors claim are the "toxins" leaching from your pores. Another scam is the "detox foot bath" which gasses off the "bodily chlorine you've been accumulating all these years." This little gem is simply a battery powered electrolysis salt water bath. The chlorine "gassing off your body" is the result of NaCl (the salt in the water) being broken by the weak electrical current into its constituent atoms, while the faint brown "toxin residue" in the water is the result of oxidation of the electrodes.  If you had toxins, they would  likely  either be creatinine or urea, two compounds resulting from natural bodily metabolic processes. The good news is that you don't need to send for the detox kit, just use your kidneys.  

          Another super scam is "brain training", all the rage these days . "Brain Gym" is a popular package for kids. (we all want smart kids, don't we?)  Most of  Brain Gym is a string of complicated (and copyrighted!)  exercises for kids that “enhance the experience of whole brain learning.” Water, apparently is a prime brain food.  “Drink a glass of water before Brain Gym activities,”  “As it is a major component of blood, water is vital for transporting oxygen to the brain.” Heaven forbid that your blood should dry out. This water should be held in your mouth, they say, because then it can be absorbed directly from there into your brain. Is there anything else you can do to get blood and oxygen to your brain more efficiently? Yes, you can do "Brain buttons": “Make a ‘C’ shape with your thumb and forefinger and place on either side of the breastbone just below the collarbone. Gently rub for twenty or thirty seconds whilst placing your other hand over your navel. Change hands and repeat. This exercise stimulates the flow of oxygen carrying blood through the carotid arteries to the brain to awaken it and increase concentration and relaxation.” Why? “Brain buttons lie directly over and stimulate the carotid arteries.”  No, they don't.  If your carotid arteries can be  massaged  through your breastbone you are either dead, or an alien lifeform, and probably already smart enough to get by here on Earth. This, from a medical standpoint is not even good fertilizer, let alone good science. Over 400 schools in the USA and UK advertise on their websites that they do Brain Gym. And they're the smart ones?

          FAT BURNERS! We've all seen these ads. what we should read is the small print disclaimer below them, that points out that all these claims are unsubstantiated. The secret, apparently is a :  take these (expensive)  substances, whatever they are,   b: eat less and more sensibly (free),  and c: exercise more (also free).  I submit that part a is superfluous. The small print also says that the miraculous results for the babe in the ad are atypical and are part of a sound plan of nutrition and exercise. Well, duh! Perhaps the only bigger weight loss scam is letting someone prepare good tasting healthy meals, dehydrating and/or freeze drying them and mailing them to you at an exorbitant price because you're just too dumb to cook and eat healthy. Not talking Weight Watchers  here, which, like most twelve step programs, works because of mutual support. The one I have in mind rhymes with Jenny Craig and is synonymous with gullible.

          A final favorite is the string of "secrets" they don't want you to know about cosmetics. Usually these show a pretty woman in her twenties and under the pic there is some sort of statement that a 55 year old woman has discovered this miracle wrinkle cream. It never says it's the girl in the picture. It isn't but you are supposed to believe that it is. Like the "miracle cure for Diabetes (lose weight, much type II vanishes with significant weight loss and sane dietary habits), none of this is new or in many cases effective, but we are a gullible people when promised an easy way to accomplish difficult tasks.

          So put on your copper bracelets beside your magnetic bracelets with the crystals on them, torch up some aromatherapy candles and  adjust your color lamp to your favorite shade of energizing  greenish-blue. Whip  up an  Acai berry and Coconut oil smoothie  with Goji  berries and alfalfa sprouts  and feel good about yourself, because your gullibility is supporting a lot of quacks, scammers and charlatans.