A letter to the dog,
When I say "move", it means go someplace else. It does not suffice to change or switch positions with the cat so there are still two animals in the way. I'm telling you this because the cat is a just beautiful dumb-ass and listens even worse that you
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Under no circumstances does placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food make it your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object, and there is no prize for doing so. Tripping me won't help you , because I fall at a nominal 32 feet/sec² which is much faster than you can run.
They don't make anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm, so knock it off. And while we're at it, if Mommy lets you on the bed before I come to bed and you sleep with your head on my pillow, at least have the decency not to drool on it.
When I say "move", it means go someplace else. It does not suffice to change or switch positions with the cat so there are still two animals in the way. I'm telling you this because the cat is a just beautiful dumb-ass and listens even worse that you
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Under no circumstances does placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food make it your food and dish, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object, and there is no prize for doing so. Tripping me won't help you , because I fall at a nominal 32 feet/sec² which is much faster than you can run.
They don't make anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm, so knock it off. And while we're at it, if Mommy lets you on the bed before I come to bed and you sleep with your head on my pillow, at least have the decency not to drool on it.
Compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. Cat poop isn't food, I know the litter makes it crunchy, but it still isn't kosher for dogs.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom! If by some miracle I get there first and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is neither required or desired. In fact, the yard is your toilet, so just stay the hell out of mine, including the porcelain spring.
The proper order of adoration is kiss me, then lick your ass or smell another dog's butt. I cannot stress this sequence enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
We own a crosscut
shredder. It is unnecessary for you to get in my wastebasket and shred the
contents. Thanks for the effort, but cut it out! In somewhat the same vein,
humans have thumbs. We are capable of
untying and unwrapping Christmas presents. Again, your efforts this last Christmas
were unnecessary.
As a 50 pound
Bassett Hound, there is no sane reason in the world to let a 5 pound cat
intimidate you. If you want to get on your couch, do it, f**k that little hairball!
Finally, for
now, I am happy to let you out to pee as late as 10 pm. Meet me half way. make
an effort, because I'll not be in the same frame of mind at 3am when the mood
strikes you. In like fashion, if you feel the need to barf because you had a luau in the trash can, warn
a brother.
Sincerely, the humans who live
in your house.
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