Televangelism 101
Syllabus/course outline Qs & As
Q. Why is there no section on moral responsibility?
A. You're kidding, right? Next question.
Q. How do we get
people to come to us ?
A. Good question. The short answer is that most of them are afraid that they might have to be
responsible for their own actions, take control of their own lives and be
responsible for their own happiness. Religion
on TV offers an easy way out. They
already want to buy a stairway to heaven and we offer an escalator! Next?
Q. How do I get started with speaking in tongues without
sounding like I'm just making shit up?
A. OK, this is easier than you think. Remember the guy in
high school who always drank waaay too much at weekend keg parties? What you want to do is be as unintelligible as
he was after 15 beers, but with a more guttural sound. If you do it right it'll sound like a combination
of a pre-puke burp mixed with Hebrew numbers.
Q. How long should we
actually pray over the prayer cloths they send us?
A. Pray? Why? Take the checks carefully out of the envelope
and discard the rest, you don't know what kind of germs might be inside. Besides,
who has that kind of time? Next?
Q. Isn't it dishonest
to claim to actually care for these poor folks?
A. define dishonest. We tell them God wants them to be rich.
They believe it. They want us to be rich. Hell, we owe it to them, don't we?
Q. What's the best way to make yourself cry on camera when
asking for them to send us their medication money as a "love offering?"
A. Now you're getting it! The trick is to focus on the mansion,
the plane, the trophy wife and young "assistants" and when you
reflect that you with only nine years of
school and a GED have all this, tears of joy will flow. The marks won't be able
to tell the difference!
Q. How much actual theology do I need to know?
A. Not much really. All the things the viewers think is Biblical
is really dogma and someone has already gone to the trouble of making it up
centuries ago. When you factor in the marginal literacy of most of the viewers,
shit you can read 'em the danged phone book and they'll buy it!
Q. But what about the hard line doubters?
A. Repeat the following: "abortionist Planned Parenthood
baby murderers, Black President, Godless
Liberals, Satanic yoga pants, commie homo-sexuals, and Pat Robertson for
president." If that doesn't wear
'em down, forget it and move on. Time for one last question. Anyone?
Q. How do we deal with occasional pangs of conscience?
A. What's a conscience?
No comments:
Post a Comment