Coach Speak for Dummies

Let me tell 'em Coach!

It's Saturday and halftime of the second wave of NCAA football games. It occurs to me that in all the many such contests I have watched, by far the most mind numbing statements are made, not by the "color men" who are frequently really bad, but by coaches. These guys are paid in the millions of dollars to coax sometimes semi- literate men-children, most of whom will never play after college, if they graduate, into placing their bodies at risk - time after time after time. You might think they'd be some pretty fancy talkers who really have a knack for a clever turn of phrase. After watching and hearing the brief interviews done at the half  by the (usually pretty female field reporter) I'm not so sure!

        Most of the comments fall into two primary areas. If the coach's team is ahead, we hear the following or its derivative.

"Well, Buffy, they're a good football team and we just need to: ("Play our game"  or  "Do it like we practiced" or "Keep on doing what we're doing" or "Stay focused"). All these are things I could have told them before the game and  are absolutely valid for any endeavor from pitching horseshoes to cleaning an aquarium or making a grilled cheese sandwich.  "Thank you coach, for that insight into the game"     

        It's a bit more fun if they're losing, depending upon how badly.  Still, we get, "Well, Buffy, ("we're not playing well right now", or "We need to take better care of the footballball" or "They're a pretty good football team and we need to...(insert any of  the winning coach's statements from above."

Once , just once, I'd like to hear, "Well, Buffy, our boys are just kicking the living shit out of theirs, and we just need to keep on doing it until they're dead, or time runs out!" (from the winner , of course) From the losing coach how about, "Shit, Buffy, how the hell do I know, they've  stuffed  every f*****g thing we've tried to do. We just really suck!"