Darwin awards are annual acknowledgement of proof(s) of Charles
Darwin’s observation/postulation of the survival of the fittest. Unfortunately, these awards
tend to focus on the demise of the unfittest and most mentally challenged. Some
recent ones are submitted for your chuckles and gasps of disbelief. (c’mon, you
know you’re gonna laugh over at least one!)
(June 2017, Russia) In a tale of Russian intelligence--or
lack thereof--an amorous couple died while procreating in the back seat of
their Russian-made Niva SUV situated near a beautiful lake. I stipulate "Situated"
rather than "parked" because they left the vehicle’s transmission in
neutral. The rocking motions of the passengers, Mr. Chernov and Ms. Kryuchkova,
caused the small SUV to roll into the lake and below the waterline, whereupon
the 22-year-old man and woman were drowned. One is inclined to believe that
vodka may have been involved, as well.
(25 March 2017, Mexico) Standing on a truck on an airport
runway, our Double-Darwin Award Winners Nitzia and Clarissa chose a very poorly
selected and, ultimately, regrettable location for a cell phone selfie. Ms.
Corral, 18, and Ms. Miranda, 17, were attending horse races that were held on a
track adjacent to the runway. According to the Diario de Chihuahua, the noise
of the races and the desire for a new profile picture distracted the young
women. They didn’t hear the motor of the descending aircraft, and the wing of
the small plane struck and killed them instantly. This does, however, provide
just one more good reason to hate the current selfie craze.
(April 2017, Argentina) "Divine punishment," said
the judge, explaining his decision not to imprison a man who shot himself in
the testicles while carrying an illegal weapon in his waistband. The man lost
his family jewels, his job as a security guard, and was faced with years in
prison until the court ruled that he had been punished enough by a higher
authority. Instant karma? Certainly, instant neutering, at least.
(9 April 2017, France) Locked in his bedroom in Rouen by his
mother, a 47-year-old French man attempted to leave by climbing down the
ethernet cable. He chose this rout(er?) because his concerned mother had locked
him in his room to prevent him from intoxicating himself. Being heavier than a
few gigabytes, his weight was too much for the cable and he crashed to the
street from the 9th story apartment. The doctors could not resuscitate him
after this “rapid download”, yet one must believe that anyone this determined
was bound to have ultimately found another way to remove himself from the gene
pool.
(5 September 2017, California) In what any southerner would recognize
as a “Hey you guys watch this” lapse of judgement, moment, a fun-loving clown’s
last act was to pilot a golf cart towed by garden hose behind a
vehicle on State Highway 4, east of Angels Camp. The golf cart swerved across
the double yellow line and directly into the path of a Ford truck, causing a
head-on collision that instantly killed the 28-year-old. It’s probably just as
well, as he was planning to put a sheet around his shoulders and jump off the
roof next.
(14 February 2018, Berlin) A 19-year-old and his
soon-to-be-ex were walking along the beautiful Havel River, quarreling. The frustrated man suddenly shoved the woman
into the icy river, jumping in to push her under again and again! In a truly Darwinian twist, she could swim, he could not...! She swam safely to land and quickly recovered from
hypothermia. He sank and lost consciousness in the 2°C waters and was pulled
out by police and transported to hospital in Berlin, where he fell into a coma,
and an arrest warrant was issued against him for "attempted homicide for
low motives." He was never tried, because although the crime was committed
on December 19th, the perpetrator died on February 14th-- an ironic
date indeed--from irreversible brain damage.
The woman fully recovered (and is arguably better off
without this madman) while the diabolical and drowned deed-doer was
Darwinian-dumb.
(30 January 2018, Gaza) An Arab sexagenarian was examining his
personal weapon in his home when he inadvertently shot himself in the face.
Twenty-one days after accidentally shooting himself, Abu Hamam, 62, succumbed
to the self-inflicted head-bang and died clutching a Darwin Award. But, as they
say, there’s more!
Abu was known to the world as Imad al-Alami, a founding
member of Hamas, a militant group that has been the de facto governing
authority of the Gaza Strip since 2007 and declared a specially designated
global terrorist by the United States
One would assume that a senior member of Hamas knew how to
handle a gun--yet Abu's incautious "personal weapons inspection" was
unexpectedly daft. This Darwin’s for you, Abu!
Most of us when driving are trying to “beat” traffic, but…..(22
January 2016, Michigan) Referred in the police report to as a "distracted
driver," Clifford Ray Jones, 58, was driving without pants -- without
seatbelt -- and with a porno flick screening on his mobile device. Add a
wide-open sunroof on a cold winter Sunday, and you have a recipe for disaster. He
should have kept his hands on the wheel instead of the “stick.” In the wee hours (at 3:40am) Clifford's Toyota
went out of control on the onramp to I-75, rolled, and crashed, “ejaculating”
our hero through the sunroof in a spectacular “climax” to his life. Come and
gone, Clifford and his beloved winky will be fondly remembered in Darwin Award
archives.
And finally, answering the age-old question, “Just how
f*****g stupid can one human be?” here’s a vintage Darwin escapade from 1992.
(1992, California) Snakes flick their forked tongues in the
air to "smell" the world, collecting molecules and analyzing them by
pressing their tongue tips them into small olfactory pits. An inebriated
twenty-year-old man, apparently unaware of this biological fact, took umbrage
when a wild rattlesnake stuck out its tongue at him. Not to be outdone, he held
the rattler in front of his face and stuck his tongue out right back. The snake
expressed its displeasure at this turn of events by biting the conveniently
offered body part. The toxic venom swelled the man's face and throat, choking
him to death. (I got nuthin’ here, it’s just too damned dumb!)
I hope you enjoyed seeing that no matter how bad your day
has been, it could be worse. So, until
next years’ awards….
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