You Can’t Make This S**t Up

If you ever thought maybe Donald Trump was actually as “brilliant” as he, and he alone, claims, then perhaps you are either a suck up sycophant toady (ala Pam Bondi) or more likely, you are as blind to his mental decline as he, himself seems to be.

In a week where the U.S. government at home remained shuttered, and some Americans were denied essential food assistance, the Commander-in-Chief embarked on a diplomatic tour of Asia that felt less like statesmanship and more like a traveling vaudeville act. Japan, ever the gracious host, received President Trump with military honors, a red carpet, and—unfortunately—an electromagnetic elevator.

We see the odd anecdotal comment about private moments of less than lucid behavior, but this visit to Japan was a world stage shit show of accelerating mental decline. We’ll get to that momentarily but first, let’s reflect on Trump’s description of a recent MRI as “routine.”   According to actual doctors who are knowledgeable in the field, there is nothing “routine” about an MRI. MRIs are diagnostic tools, not “routine” screening tests. They’re used to investigate symptoms like unexplained headaches, seizures, or signs of neurological decline—not as part of a general wellness check. Dr. Jonathan Reiner, a cardiologist and CNN medical analyst, emphasized that an MRI is “not part of a routine screening examination”—especially in the context of President Trump’s recent Walter Reed visit, where he also bragged about “acing” a routine cognitive test. But … back to Japan.

The recent Trump Japan visit included two truly surreal moments: a rambling, (and physics denying) “magnet” rant aboard a U.S. aircraft carrier and a video recorded and circulated clip of him, seemingly confused as to where he was, wandering away from Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi during a formal ceremony. Both incidents have ramped up the ongoing speculation about his cognitive state and political theatrics. Here’s the breakdown of the two episodes.

The “Magnet” Rant on the USS George Washington:

During a speech to U.S. Navy personnel at Yokosuka Naval Base on October 28, Trump launched into a bizarre critique of electromagnetic systems on modern aircraft carriers.  He mocked the Navy’s shift to electromagnetic catapults and elevators, saying he preferred steam and hydraulics, as if he would know the difference. This was not the first time he has ranted about the Navy’s newer electromagnetic aircraft carrier catapult systems. In tone it was reminiscent of similar mindless natterings about wind turbines.

        The President, aboard the USS George Washington, took one look at the Navy’s modern catapult system and declared war—not on China, not on inflation, but on magnets. “You drop a little glass of water on magnets,” he warned, “I don’t know what’s going to happen.” Neither do physicists, apparently, because they’re still trying to decode the “science” behind that statement. He then vowed to replace electromagnetic launch systems with steam-powered ones, citing their “beautiful hiss” and “real American pressure.” Hydraulic elevators, he claimed, are “more trustworthy than anything run by magnets, which are basically woke metal.” (WTF?) This came after his theatrical entrance to the carrier’s flight deck, set to the tune of “YMCA”, and included complaints about the elevator system itself. (we know how he is about elevators and escalators!) The navy’s newer Ford-class carriers do use electromagnetic systems, but Trump’s technical claims were inaccurate. The comments drew laughter from the mandatorily assembled sailors but raised eyebrows among defense analysts.

The welcoming ceremony ramble:

      The shipboard rambling followed an earlier welcoming ceremony in the presence of the newly elected Japanese Prime Minister when Trump appeared confused during a welcoming ceremony in Tokyo.  As he walked through a room of dignitaries and a military band, he abruptly wandered away from Prime Minister Takaichi, leaving her stranded like a forgotten NPC in a diplomatic role-playing game. The footage, now viral, shows him meandering toward a military band as if drawn by an invisible steam whistle only he could hear. The moment was caught on video and widely shared, with captions like “Bro has no idea what is going on.”  Critics have cited this as further evidence of cognitive decline, especially following Trump’s own admission that he’d recently undergone that “routine” MRI at Walter Reed Medical Center.  He also described taking a “very hard aptitude test” involving animals like “tigers, an elephant, a giraffe,” which resembled cognitive screening for dementia.

So, we’ve got a president who rails against magnets, praises steam and strolls off like he’s chasing a butterfly—while the Japanese PM stands frozen.

The Trump Asia tour has become a surreal blend of Top Gun, Alice in Wonderland, and a Home Depot plumbing aisle. He’s not just rejecting modernity—he’s steamrolling it. Literally. And while critics cite cognitive decline, supporters see a man unshackled by electromagnetic tyranny. After all, who needs coherence when you have charisma, catapults, and the promise of a future Nobel nomination from a Prime Minister? In the end, Trump’s Japan visit wasn’t about policy. It was about propulsion. And if the future of diplomacy is steam-powered, we’d better start boiling.

        While most world leaders arrive in Asia armed with policy briefings and diplomatic nuance, President Trump came equipped with a cognitive aptitude test involving jungle animals. “They showed me a tiger, an elephant, a giraffe,” he said, “and I got them all right.” The test, reportedly administered at Walter Reed, was described by Trump as “very hard,” though it remains unclear whether it was designed for presidents or preschoolers.

This revelation came amid his week of steam-powered declarations and magnet paranoia. Trump, fresh off his rant against electromagnetic catapults, now seemed to be measuring global leadership in giraffe recognition and elevator reliability. Forget the SATs—can you identify a giraffe under pressure? Can you distinguish a tiger from a particularly aggressive housecat? These, apparently,  are the metrics of modern governance. Critics argue this signals cognitive decline. Supporters say it’s cognitive defiance. After all, who needs policy when you’ve got pachyderm proficiency? Apparently, in this new age of evaluating executive aptitude, the jungle is the cabinet, the elevator is the litmus test, and the giraffe is the gold standard.

God help us if he ever sees a platypus.