Modern Snake Oil

Modern Snake Oil

        This was inspired (well, indirectly, anyway) by one of our cats. Which one, I can’t tell without a clinical analysis of the hair ball I picked up in the kitchen this morning. Whichever one it was, the “yuck” factor was sufficient to inspire me to wash my hands at the kitchen sink.

         Picking up the squirt bottle of hand soap I noticed the word “aromatherapy” prominently displayed. Below, in even larger type, was the word “Energy.” You know me; the first thought which came to mind was “WTF?”  Reading further, I was treated to the explanation that this hand soap contains “essential oils” of Orange and Ginger which (apparently you really can make this shit up) “Are uplifting to release tension and sharpen the senses.” After a wash and rinse, I was obvious to me that neither miraculous event had transpired. Oh well, Belle the Bassett wanted her jerky, so on to breakfast.

        We have become so inured to pseudo-science sounding bovine excreta that today’s advertisers can, and will, make claims of almost any variety and degree of fraud and eager consumers will try it. There are several, new and old, which seem to rise above and beyond.  

        Scientology's “Purification Rundown” and “Narconon” programs purport to clean the human body of toxins (undefined in any sense, but often referred to in other sham “purge” programs, more on this later) and drugs, respectively. Their method consists of very long saunas over many days, extremely large (potentially toxic) doses of vitamins including niacin, and Scientology 'training routines', sometimes including attempts at ESP and/or telekinesis. These programs have been variously described as "medically unsafe", "quackery" and "medical fraud," while actual academic and medical experts have dismissed Narconon's educational program as containing "factual errors in basic concepts such as physical and mental effects, addiction “and even spelling" (wow!) In turn, Narconon has claimed that mainstream medicine is "biased" against it, and that "people who endorse so-called controlled drug use cannot be trusted to review a program advocating totally drug-free living." Remember Tom Cruise on the sofa railing against Brooke Shields’ use of anti-depressants for post-partum depression? Narconon has said that criticism of its programs is "bigoted", and that its critics are "in favor of drug abuse ... they are either using drugs or selling drugs". Of course, these programs are available for a price at your local Scientology outlet!

        Creationist cosmologies – cosmologies which, among other things, allow for (and insist on) a universe that is only thousands of years old. In spite of a gazillion valid scientific validations of a billions of years old Earth, morons like Ken Ham (the Ark Experience), desperate to “prove” that the Bible is literal truth, continue claiming that the Earth was 1: created exactly as it is now, and 2: is about 4600 years old. This in the face of a continuous documented human mastery of writing, from 3200 BC. For the math challenged, this means that for about 600 years, cuneiform tablets were in God’s hip pocket, waiting to be placed in Mesopotamian ruins. Imbecility at its highest level.

        L’Oréal once claimed its skincare products were "clinically proven" to "boost genes." That is, they did right up until the FTC forced them to stop the bullshit. While ionizing radiation can actually “damage” genes and is the only scientifically documented way other than random (and uncontrollable) mutation, to do so, there is absolutely no methodology which can “boost” genes, whatever that might even mean.  In a similar scam, some time ago, the herbal supplement Airborne was all the rage. I had teacher colleagues who swore it was the real deal. “Packed with vitamins and minerals”, it was pushed by marketers as being capable of preventing or mitigating common illnesses like the cold and flu. Eventually, the Center for Science in the Public Interest stepped in to actually test these claims, discovering that there was no scientific evidence whatsoever to back up the claims. Airborne ended up paying $23.3 million to settle a lawsuit.  

        This is far from new. We (my generation) were exposed to a ton of similar scams, generally presented by men in white lab coats. Among these was:

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Lucky Strike cigarettes claimed that they were “Your Throat Protection Against irritation and cough” Almost every other manufacturer of smokes claimed some variation on this theme. The irony is that they were advertising that their produce would cause “fewer” of the pre-cancerous symptoms which all cigarettes cause.

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Splenda’s claim that it was “Made from Sugar,” withdrawn after they were proven to be lying.

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Coca Cola’s “vitamin water” all of whose claims, other than hydration, were debunked.

        Homeopathy is a pseudoscientific (actually non-scientific) alternative “treatment” based on the premise that real diseases can be cured with astronomically diluted versions of the thing that caused the disease (or sounds like it). So diluted snake venom supposedly cures snake bites, diluted caffeine somehow cures insomnia, diluted duck liver cures influenza and so on. This is, by any rational standard, nonsense. Antivenom cures a snake bite, insomnia is treated by cognitive behavioral therapy or medication and influenza can be treated with antivirals. Also, the astronomically large dilutions truthfully mean that there are, statistically speaking, almost never even a single molecule of the active ingredient. In other words, homeopathy is just water, or sugar pills on which a drop of water has been placed. 

       Here’s what some practitioners stoop to: A homeopath Jennie Hoglund recently wrote an article defending homeopathy on her website titled “Why Homeopathy Should be at the Top of Your Self-Care List.”  In truth, it is just a thinly veiled advertisement for her own “clinic”. According to her Facebook page, she charges $185 for a 1-hour visit for children between newborns and aged twelve and $225 for an adult and even $25 to $60 for “acute” care that lasts 30 minutes, either by phone or in person. How on earth could a homeopath could ever give a medically legitimate and relevant acute help via the phone? Hoglund doesn’t not say, and probably cannot. In other words, she charges big money for treating very young children who are sick with various fake “treatments”. Modern “homeopaths” claim efficacy because “it’s centuries old” So was bloodletting, until real doctors finally realized they were “bleeding” patients to death. (see Washington, George).  A vast assemblage of real clinical and analytical studies agrees on one thing. Homeopathy is no more effective than placebos. Homeopathy claims water can cure you, because it once held medicine. That's like saying you can eat off an empty plate because it once held food."

        Autism/Vaccination: The widespread fear that vaccines increase risk of autism originated with a 1997 study published by Andrew Wakefield, a British surgeon. The article was published in The Lancet, a prestigious medical journal, suggesting that the measles, mumps, rubella (MMR) vaccine was increasing autism in British children. The paper has since been completely discredited due to serious procedural errors, undisclosed financial conflicts of interest, and ethical violations. Andrew Wakefield lost his medical license and the paper was retracted from The Lancet.

        Nonetheless, the hypothesis was taken seriously, and several other major studies were conducted, none of which could find or identify a link between any vaccine and the likelihood of developing autism. While as of yet, the true causes of autism remain a mystery, but to the discredit of the autism-vaccination link theory, several studies have now identified symptoms of autism in children well before they receive the MMR vaccine. And even more recent research provides evidence that autism develops in utero, well before a baby is born or receives vaccinations.

        This brings us to the anti-vaxxers who fall into one of three categories;

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Like Jenny McCarthy who unfortunately had children who exhibited autism spectrum symptoms, blaming some external source instead of bad genetics or some unfortunate developmental event, relieves some self-blame

·       Others are the eager believers who hear someone like Ms. McCarthy or Jim Carrey and lend them credibility since they’re celebs and therefore “must be credible.”

·       The last and most worrisome are those who flock to conspiracy theories (trust me, this is how they think) united by “activists” (compensated for delivering diatribes to willing parents) simply because it gives them a sense of community in a disjointed world. How else to explain that in a religious community grappling with more than 700 cases in Rockland County and New York City since last fall — among them, children on oxygen in intensive-care units — anxious and confused parents said they came because they are afraid of vaccines and seeking guidance about what to do?

        Finally, “Toxins.”  What can I say? Most of us have either tried, or had friends who tried, (insert favorite word here: purges, detoxes, cleanses, whatever). They all, including ignorant and highly compensated celebrity talking heads, speak sagely and earnestly about “toxins” and how they can be removed by high colonic enemas, herbal flushes or some similar process. One consistent characteristic of all these products or processes is that Toxins are never (NEVER!) clinically defined, but just sort of described as “bad stuff” The reason marketers tend not to define "toxins" is that there aren't really any poisonous substances that these types of products can remove from your body. If you are in kidney failure and use an enema or vice herbal drink, vice dialysis, I have bad news for you.

        A 'detoxifying' cleanser or face mask can remove dirt from your skin, (exactly like soap!), but it's not pulling toxins out of your bloodstream, as the advertising probably claimed.

        Similarly, while herb laden juice cleanses might temporarily bring your weight down or make your stomach feel empty, but that's actually because you're just consuming fewer calories. They don't cleanse anything, however, sadly, they can prevent you from getting needed nutrients and interfere with the workings of your metabolism.  

        Outside a very narrow range of specific doctor-prescribed medical uses, colon cleanses, whether in tablet or enema form, serve no positive purpose whatsoever. They may even injure you. Colon cleanses involving enemas — also marketed as colonic irrigation or colonic hydrotherapy — can cause injury to the large intestine. Those who sell them often suggest that toxic substances can seep into your blood from your stool, particularly if you suffer from constipation. This theory, autointoxication, is completely discredited.

        Others simply use chemical trickery to simulate beneficial results. As examples: Some “colon cleanse” tablets contain non-nutritional polymers, chemical substances that bind to the user’s (victim’s) stool and change its consistency so that they end up passing what looks like long gray ropes. Even more pandering to the most naïve among us is the product marketed as "detoxifying foot pads." These are simply fabric pads which have been saturated with and contain the dried residue of chemical salts which turns black when it comes into contact with sweat. Really? Sadly, yeah.

        I know, Mike, but how will I remove “Toxins?”  Well, there’s good news! Your body does produce chemical by-products of being alive. Fortunately, your body also has real, validated mechanisms of removing these. They’re called your liver and kidneys.  

        Finally, we must acknowledge the impact of social media, where any theory, “new thing,” or conspiracy theory can happily find a home.