Odd news day, if you know where to look!
So, these two rural
bumpkins, somewhere in Eastern Kentucky (cue banjoes) were not only very drunk,
but also running on fumes, almost out of gas, somewhere in the back of beyond.
Fortunately, (or so they thought) they came upon a shack and saw a full five container
by the side of the structure. They stopped a short way past it and snuck back, stealthily
took the can, and poured its contents into the car’s gas tank.
They started
the car, but to their chagrin, it shut down about half a mile on down the road,
refusing further attempts to restart. At some point, they were arrested by the
county constabulary and (this is the weird part for several reasons) charged
with the theft of the five gallons of hydrogen peroxide. This where the story
ends, but I have unanswered questions:
How does one
fail to detect a significant difference between the odors of gasoline and H2
O2??? Furthermore, why
wouldn’t any lucid individual check before pouring it into the gas tank?
Additionally,
although I’m no chemist, I know that H2 O2, especially
in five gallon quantities, has another usage, far more likely to be plied in
the sticks of Eastern Kentucky, which begs the question – did the police then
go back and bust the meth lab from which it was stolen? Inquiring minds want to
know. On second thought, maybe it’s a good thing the sheriff got to them before
the “Breaking Bad” crew did.
As proof that
weird shit happens to all classes of folks….
A New York couple
purchased their dream (and $700k) vacay home in West Palm Beach, here in sunny FLA, and
found it uninhabitable when they came to use it. Roaches? Gators? Snakes? Storm
damage??? Actually, none of the above.
They found the house besieged by vultures. Say Whaaat?? Yes, according to the
owner, vultures had broken through the screen enclosure in the pool and
barbecue area and then decided it was a good place to bring such carrion as
they found. The odor was described as “smelling like a thousand rotting corpses.”
A nearby neighbor
was equally distraught because in May more vultures broke through her lanai
screen and were unable to figure how to get out, she describes it thus: “Imagine
20 vultures trapped, biting each other and they can bite through bones. It was
a vile, vicious and traumatic event.”
Now here’s the “stupid
human tricks” part of the story. As has been seen elsewhere, there is human
element which drives many if not most of such human/animal confrontations. Complicating this (the vulture) issue is the
fact that a neighbor has been, and still is, feeding the vultures and other
local wildlife (racoons, et al), attracting critters which otherwise might not
bother the homes. Warnings have availed little, since the vultures are
migratory and “protected” and the woman doing the feeding is “intractable”.
(aka a flaming arsehole).
The whole feeding
wildlife thingy may be only vultures in West Palm, but here in Central Florida,
it has claws, teeth and can weigh as weigh in at 600 pounds. A Black Bear won’t
wait until you or your dog are dead, like a vulture will. Over the past 20
years, human/bear interactions have escalated due to both bear populations
soaring and by foolish human actions, as well.
Florida law
states that it is illegal to place food or garbage or allow the placement of
them or offer them in a way that attracts black bears, foxes and raccoons and
creates a public nuisance. In previous years, in Orlando exurbs, such as
Longwood, and Wekiva, in spite of authorities’ cautions, garbage was frequently
left in bags at the curb, creating a bear deli counter. There are anecdotal
tales of 1970s and 80s residents actually putting dog kibble out because the bears
were “so cute.” The “cute” vanishes when
the food is gone, since bears don’t get “It’s all gone, there is no more.” Bears being bears have resulted in serious
injuries to residents over the past 20 years.
Here in the Villages, we occasionally see
a “seasonal renter” (aka “Touron” (a combination of tourist and moron) who
thinks that if a alligator climbs onto the course and lays near the sand trap it’s
because he craves closer interaction with them and their cell phone. We have
seen golf course ambassadors have to station themselves nearby in such
circumstances to protect those golfers too damned stupid to protect themselves.
Over a distance of 15 yards even a large gator can run at 25 to 30 mph. Reflect
on that while you’re 10 feet away, snapping a selfie! I have seen a 12-footer, perhaps
10 yards out in the water, make a move on a playing partner looking near the
water’s edge for his ball. I doubt he’ll ever do it again. (the golfer, not the
gator)
Finally, for this
section of the piece, I reminisce about the small herd of American Bison which once
grazed in a fenced semi-central location here in The Villages. Beautiful, and
massive, they were, in their large pasture, docile and, for want of a better
adjective, really cool. They’d even approach observers right up at the sturdy
three rail fence, apparently as curious about us as we about them. That is,
right up until the “Touron” thought it’d be really neat to place his young son
the back of one near the fence for a photo op. The lad was unhurt, but, sadly,
this incident led to the removal of the big bovines.
Wild
animals are….. (wait for it)….wild.
And finally:
As proof that it isn’t only Floridians who do stupid stuff with wild creatures, we go to Sturbridge Mass., where Dave Schmida had a problem. Noting a large hornet’s nest high up on the second-story eaves of his parent’s home and, being ever the dutiful son, he told them he’d take care of it. He tried the usual spray insecticide, which, if it reaches, works like a charm but, the large nest being on the second story and up under the eaves, it wouldn’t quite reach.
At this point
the prudent exterminator might think “ladder!” Not, however, our hero, who came up with an
alternative approach rarely used by extermination specialists. Lighting a Roman
candle left over from July 4th , he aimed it at the nest and voila,
the nest, paper like in texture and highly flammable, burst into flame. It was,
to his amazement and dismay followed almost immediately by ignition of the
shingles and the wood of the eaves. Schmida
then was forced to use a fire extinguisher from an upstairs floor window to put
out the flames. He reported the damage was “Minimal”, with “Only a few boards
left slightly burned.” Of course, if he
could reach the nest from the window with the fire extinguisher, why not with
the hornet spray? Yeah, I know, not as much “fun.”
This is so much less stressful than discussing Trump’s
latest folly!
TTFN,
Mikey
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