Truth in Advertising?

Truth? in Advertising!

          I have long been fascinated with and by the lengths and breadths of deceptive language and distortion of truth used by advertisers. It is certainly nothing new. Some of my readers will remember doctors shilling for cigarette makers years ago. "Four out of five doctors prefer Camels!" Younger persons today have a hard time believing that this phrase was a headline in print ads and even on TV in the 1950s. Today we wonder if that was because the fifth doctor had already experienced his stroke, heart attack or lung cancer. John Wayne, who lost a lung to cancer, whored himself out as a tobacco spokesman, as did a somewhat lesser actor, Ronald Reagan, who never actually smoked except when doing commercials. In the thirties and forties, athletes touted various brands because "They don't hurt your  wind."  I believe this meant shortness of breath, because everyone knows cigarettes don't give you the wind; cabbage and beans do!

          We have grown more sophisticated in the way we transmit product propaganda to the masses, but we haven't come very far in the area of content. Examples of advertising's attempt to stir the need of the lowest common denominators in our society include persons whose food slaps their face, a cat who can't find his/her litter pan, a dog who wants to undermine the family baked bean business and numerous others.  The industry that really seems to know no bounds, however, is the pet food industry. The ad budget apparently is limitless, unlike their willingness to tell consumers where their product is made and what's in it.

          Let's just consider dog products. It is important to remember that, left alone, dogs will interbreed back to a common denominator scientists call the "pye (or pi)" dog. This is an abbreviation of the word pariah, and refers to the ubiquitous 35 to 50 pound mongrel with curled tail  and visible ribs showing which is common in developing nations. This creature eats literally anything animal or vegetable. I point this out as a refutation to the admen who assure us that Fido has a keen palate and is, in truth, a discerning and finicky gastronome. Let's consider the advertizing on just a representative few dog products. 

          "Beggin' Strips."  This doggy snack proudly advertises that their bacon and peanut butter flavors  are the epitome of canine haute cuisine. In truth, dogs in nature rarely ever kill pigs, and when they do, they even less frequently remove the side and belly meat and smoke it! I believe this is due to their  lack of opposable thumbs to start a fire. In point of fact there is bacon in Beggin' Strips. There is, however,  less bacon than hydrogenated starch hydroselate, glycerine, water, and the main ingredient, wheat flour. The peanut butter so broadly displayed on the label is even farther down the list after phosphoric and sorbic acids, and is listed as "artificial peanut butter flavor!

          A close second in the bacon derby is "Canine Carry Outs".  This bag proudly proclaims "Dogs love Bacon." Of course they do. They also love three day old road kill, and moldy cheese, in fact if it has a strong organic flavor a dog will eat it. Period. Again, bacon is a speck relative to the main ingredients, and the "bacony flavor"  really comes from the same chemical they put in liquid smoke. There is more "natural  smoke flavor" in this product by far than bacon. The product even has more glycerin than bacon! You can never have enough glycerin  in your diet, I guess. By the way, they also come in Pizza Flavor in case your dog is Italian. Hold the anchovies.

          "With every  tilt of the head and every tail wag, our pups know how to speak to us. [see my dog to human dictionary]. And with a hearty real meat taste and mouth watering aroma, only Pup-Peroni dog snacks let your best friend know that you're listening."  Really? Have these ad men ever even fed a dog? Try a hot dog, piece of cheese, or  real meat scrap. They'll not only listen, they'll hump your leg while they do the dishes!  Pup-Peroni can best be described as a failed attempt to  duplicate that "how drunk was I?"  delight, the Slim Jim, but for dogs.. Again, the "'natural smoke flavor" is the overpowering smell that makes one's nostrils bleed if you really sniff this delicacy. Come to think of it, that's what a  Slim Jim does too. Of course Pup-peroni comes in Roasted Chicken Flavor too, so you pet can sit around the fire with his mates reminiscing about the chase as the chicken turns on the spit.

          Yet another big seller is "Meaty Bone."  There is more ink in the type on this package extolling the virtues of the product than there is real meat inside! There is far more  fat (preserved with BHA),  meat and bone meal, animal plasma, and meat by products than beef.  In fact, there is more caramel colorant than beef! Of course the package trumpets, "It's all about bold meaty satisfaction!"    

                    So it all comes down to the real issue: The producers of these supposedly nutritious snacks aren't selling them to your dog; they're selling them to you. All these glowing adjectives and flights of fancy are aimed at convincing you that your dog actually has a discriminating palate. The bad news is he doesn't, but then again he doesn't buy his food either. While the manufacturers spend mega millions on cute commercials, some of them still buy cheap food components from China, which every so often contain just a touch of ethylene glycol (base component of anti-freeze and poison to dogs). But not to worry, it still has that beefy, bacony taste dogs love - until their kidneys fail.

          Now here's the free business plan from me to you. Make a dog product that is wholesome and smells like dog butt, or cat turds, or day old tuna or moldy cheese, or any of the disgusting things you've ever seen a dog eat. Call it whatever you like, but dogs will love it. Think about the two places your dog puts his tongue the most.....say no more. Goodnight Gracie.