"Twerk" this!

Father, forgive me, it’s been about two months since my last rant. I don’t want to rant, but my evil twin makes me do it, so here goes:

What in the wide world of sports led to the naming of the reasonably vulgar social phenomenon known as “twerking?” What set me off  is that one of my favorite  68 year olds in the world,  Helen Mirren, “twerked” (sorta) on demand at the Harvard Hasty Pudding Club’s roast last night. Really? Please, you're a Dame; you've met the Queen, f'Chrissake!!

  Miley Cyrus’ juvenile and embarrassing exhibitionism aside, twerking, by various names has been around since before Two Live Crew institutionalized it in several truly hideous rap videos almost thirty years ago. Watching “Me so Horny,” “Hoochie Mama,” or “Pop that Pussy”  circa 1988 will clearly show the motion had been around a while.

Here’s the rest of the story. That motion has been around as long as dogs have differentiated from wolves and before. Who hasn’t seen their mother embarrassed by the air humping of a precocious pup?  Leg humping is another step on the rung, of course, but hey, if dogs can do it, why should we let a thin veneer of civilization spoil our fun. The so called twerk is simply humans showing that they have little more self control than their best friends.

In that vein, I project the eventual adaptation of even more canine behaviors in an eventual attempt to seek the lowest common denominator of mammal behavior.

“Slurping” will become the rage in the hippest clubs, as patrons communally drink kibble martinis from large porcelain bowls. An added fillip is the added excitement of a lid which comes down at random intervals accompanied by a loudspeaker admonishing the ravers to “Knock that shit off”  

“Striping” will come into vogue as a new wave of artistic endeavor features artists applying colors to their posteriors and dragging their asses across a sparkling clean white carpet to form streaks.

“Snorking” will become all the rage among younger males as they invent  ever more complex yoga poses, trying to become flexible enough to eventually lick their own genitals.

At some point the  “Marking” craze will arrive. This aptly named procedure will involve young urbanites clearly defining their own spaces by the judicious application of self generated urine.

I could go on, but I think I just heard a cat in the front yard.