New rule of Linguistics

Ok, new rule of linguistics: In order to restore the significance of legitimate uses of certain words, their use in everyday, mundane circumstances is suspended for the next year, at least.  I am sick (and tired) of being besieged via all media with claims, descriptors and other inappropriate adjectives relating to events, persons or things which simply don’t merit the hype. I will give several examples, just so you know where I’m going with this.

“Legendary” - Some synonyms include : famed, romanticized, storied; chimerical. None of these words or the word legendary itself can rightly be applied to, say, a club’s happy hour drinks. I don’t give a shit if you kill the last living Agave and mix the Tequila you make from it with virgin’s blood and lime juice, it still ain’t a “Legendary Margarita special!”  Even if you have Condoleeza Rice in a thong on stage, your club doesn’t have “Legendary dancers.”  Now if you had King Arthur or Guinevere, that would be legendary. Even a topless Sasquatch or Yeti qualifies. Period.

“Hero” – We are so apparently starved for legitimate heros ( defined: a :  a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability b :  an illustrious warrior c :  a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities  d :  one who shows great courage) that we will now accord the title to anyone who simply does their job well instead of backing away from responsibility. In all fairness, when the media, thirsting for a soundbite tries to pin the “hero” title on such a person, some of them actually refuse the title. The kid who calls 911 on his cell phone to report a crash isn’t a hero, the firefighter who reaches into the burning car to save a child probably is. “Sully” Sullenberger is a hero, since water landings aren’t an everyday thing, and everyone surviving them even rarer. Kanye West isn’t a hero, neither is Donald Trump, they are “sellebrities”, which is my word for persons in the public eye who are waaaay too full of themselves. No one in “Duck Dynasty” is a hero. One problem is that “Hero” should be defined by deeds, not by what other people think of a personality.  And lastly, military personnel who go wherever they’re assigned and do their jobs to the best of their ability half way around the world are heros for that commitment;  mercenaries are simply whores.

“Brilliant”/”Awesome” – Not only are they overused, they are also frequently misused. Brilliant -  “Extremely intelligent : much more intelligent than most people.”  This fits Steven Hawking and Albert Einstein, and Grace Hopper, but it certainly doesn’t fit most ordinary or even really, really neat everyday occurrences. Our British friends use brilliant almost the same way as Americans use OK. I have heard “brilliant” used to describe athletes, some of whom are barely literate, because of their physical coordination and skill. Stop it.  “Awesome” is equally overused. Awesome is supposed to be used to express a show of force or majesty. When your friend comes back with a six-pack of beer, responding with this reprehensible utterance just doesn’t match up to the awe of a powerful tornado or when viewing one of the top 10 American landmarks. Nice try, though. Unfortunately, those who misuse “awesome” when they  really mean “better than average” are not struck dumb, as, say by an event which really is awesome.

“Literally” - Literally is another word that has been misconstrued into a bastardized form. When the exact reason to use the word is to express a non-exaggeration or a realistic degree of accuracy, why do people do the exact opposite? Literally is now used as a general intensive, and its very meaning has become lost and meaningless. Literally is meant to only be used when describing something verbatim, or for a correct technical explanation. It is not a synonym for figuratively or virtually. Let’s keep it as such. “I was literally blown away……!? One can only hope!    

Let’s end this with some phrases which are almost as egregious in their contortion of meaning as the above single words:

1. “At the end of the day”: Usually this means “whenever we’re finished”,  might be in five minutes, maybe a month, but almost certainly not at midnight!

2. “Fairly unique”: Ain’t no “fairly” about it, unique means “being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else.” So “fairly unique” I guess that’s perhaps “Well, it was really cool, but there was this other shit sorta like it, so …….!”  

3. “I personally”: How else can You do something? This is maybe the most redundant phrase since “Fat, stupid addict -Rush Limbaugh””

4. “At this moment in time”: Really Bunky? You mean “now?”

5. "With all due respect”: As I’ve said before, this is misused more in application than syntactically. You actually can show all due respect, but in usage today, generally it is the phrase immediately preceding an assault on the target’s character. Respect is the last thing that will characterize the words which follow that opening line.

6. “Absolutely”: Frequently used as an alternative to “Yes,” the definition is far more restrictive “with no qualification, restriction, or limitation; totally.” There are relatively few circumstances where this overused word is truly applicable.

7.”It’s a nightmare”: No, it might be a “f*****g mess”, or a job badly done, but unless you were asleep and dreamt it it probably wasn’t a nightmare.

8. “Shouldn’t of”: Oh no, Jethro, you shouldn’t have said shouldn’t of.

So, kids, like let’s give these usages a fantabulously well earned  rest and maybe someday, we can like resume talking good English as it was meant to be spoke.