Priorities?

New Years’ resolution:  There are some things so peculiarly American in nature that we as a country seem sometimes to define ourselves by them.  Not all of these are as great as, say The Marshall Plan, or The Broadway Stage; in fact, some are downright embarrassing. Be it resolved that some of these should be banned.

          Only in America:

          Is there such a glut of non-staple, sugar laden, fat loaded food available that we actually use the word "fun" in conjunction with ingesting it - turning a bodily process necessary for survival into  “recreation?”

         We now have "Fun Sized" candy bars (you know the ones that kids get for Halloween because the full-sized ones are too expensive these days) and numerous fast food and dine-in restaurants use "fun" in either their advertising, their logo, or their name, or all three.  It almost makes me wonder if Og and Zog, upon spying a baby mammoth, said, “uuuh ! fun sized!" Do Indian street urchins view food in terms of "fun" - most assuredly not, many never view enough!  The poor child eating mac and government cheese for the fourth night in a row probably doesn't either. A "Fun Sized" Snickers would push a Syrian or Ethiopian famine victim into sugar shock.  We are, by numerous accounts, a nation with diabetes and obesity epidemics. Sound like "fun"? I didn't think so either.

             Only in America:

        Would a man like Texas Governor Rick Perry have had a career involving any responsibility, let alone a state governorship or an executive branch cabinet post?  We survived one semi-literate ("I'm not a reader", "Is our children learning?") Texas Governor, only to be bitch slapped with the specter of another, dumber, even more retrograde one, when Perry ran, albeit briefly, for his party’s nomination.

        Unfortunately, there was an even less qualified and more malevolent candidate and he did win. Not to worry, he (Trump) then anointed Perry as Secretary of Energy. Whereas Barack Obama had 3 energy secretaries - two physicists and a Harvard grad, Trump has Big Energy’s bitch in place.  Evolution is not only in trouble in Texas' schools, but actually, like a time warp, runs slower.  "W" just "wasn't sure" about evolution (or much of anything else, for that matter) , but ol' Rick rejects it. He also apparently believes, all data to the contrary notwithstanding, that the massive BP oil spill in the Gulf was not due to the malfeasance of BP and its subcontractors, as every subsequent  investigation has shown , but rather  “From time to time there are going to be things that occur that are acts of God that cannot be prevented.” Isn’t it great?  Apparently in Texas, God hates sea life, like he hates school children in South Florida. (too soon?).  It was Perry, slamming Obama in 2012 who said that we (the US) had sent a lot of money aimed at solar research to “That country, Solyndra.” (Think about that for a moment.)

       I could go on, but let's just finish with a few of the most egregious Rick Perry dumb assed statements: "I trust those independent school districts to make those decisions better than eight (there are nine) unelected and, frankly, unaccountable judges." – getting the number of Supreme Court justices wrong. This also means he would have trusted Southern school districts to remain segregated, by the way. "George W. Bush did a (sic) incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom."  "Those of you that will be 21 by November the 12th, I ask for your support and your vote." He got both election day and the voting age wrong. I wonder how many Texans showed up late?

            Only in America:

          Can more persons identify Young Jeezy than Jonas Salk. We are a nation of “sell”ebrity (my new word, for the older readers) whores. We tend to idolize the inconsequential and ignore the true heroes of our Society.  Most Americans can't identify either Christiaan Barnard or Norman Shumway. They can, however, remember the nicknames of the entire Duck Dynasty swamp dwelling, redneck, too-shallow gene pool family, but the men who pioneered heart transplants are a cipher. Dr. Charles R. Drew remains relatively unknown to most Americans, while every living Kardashian, with (collectively and individually) no perceptible positive attribute is easily recognized. Dr. Drew, an African American, first separated blood into its components and developed the process of central blood banking. 

       Everyone breathing can identify Donald Trump (and the wombat which resides on his head) on sight, yet the name of Norman Borlaug draws blank stares. Trump, to date has done nothing to benefit society and remains one of the most pathetically self-centered humans on the planet. Norman Borlaug, an American agronomist, is responsible for an agricultural revolution that saved billions of people from starvation by developing high-yield, disease-resistant wheat. Throughout the 20th century, Borlaug introduced this method of wheat production to Mexico, Pakistan and India, doubling food production and decreasing the rates of starvation in these countries. This came to be known as the Green Revolution.  

        Many Americans know all the stars of whichever brand of phony (they all are) "rasslin" show they watch yet would have little comprehension of the heroism or significance of the late Sen. Dan Inouye. It makes your head hurt.

             Only in America:

          Are we apparently impressionable enough (and sufficiently adman driven) to make the leap between a wonderful fantasy tale and a stack of pancakes? Ladies and gents, I remind you of Denny's "Build your own Hobbit Breakfast."  Really? A Hobbit slam? How about "Frodo, your feet are huge and hairy?!" Actual menu delights included the “Hobbit Hole Breakfast,” (sounds disgusting, huh?) “Frodo’s Pot Roast Skillet” and “Build Your Own Hobbit Slam,” holiday favorites such as “Pumpkin Patch Pancakes,” “Shire Sausage,” and “Seed Cake French Toast” were also available.  Add in   “Gandalf’s Gobble Melt”, “The Ring” Burger, “Bilbo’s Berry Smoothies”, and “Radagast’s Red Velvet Pancake Puppies.” (Made from real puppies, too, I hear.)

        In retrospect, I feel many opportunities may have been missed in this “spinning off food from movies” endeavor. Burger King is a British company (which goes a long way towards explaining the shitty fries!), so why not a Braveheart/BK combo pack? Of course, Haggis, that Scottish fave, would be there someplace. (The hard part is getting people on board with fast food haggis. You could put in on the menu in several ways: Robert the Bruce's Haggis Whopper, Fried Haggis Bites, and Wee Willy Winkey’s Haggis Fingers. Add to that, The Drawn and Quartered Pounder. Like I said, a natural.           

        What next? "Shindler's Bisque?", "40 Year Old Virgin Olive Oil"?, "American History Chex" (think about it), The new Energy Vitamin C drink -"Clockwork Orange", “Bohemian Frappe Sody,” Friendly's "Any Given Sundae", "Lolita Lollypops" (you know you want to lick one), How about Red Lobster's "Prawn of the Dead?".  All these might work, but I'm afraid popular opinion would jinx the success of the "My Little Pony burger” and “Warhorse Half Pounder" (both made with real horsemeat) and, of course, the Black Swan Tuna Taco is simply a non-starter.