Whew! That was close!
I had a
strange moment today while imbibing the first of many cups of coffee. I was
doing the daily crossword - in ink, because that's how I roll! I was also sort
of listening to my Alexa flash briefing from the heretical NPR, followed by
Jimmy Fallon’s monologue from the previous night. After the day’s weather forecast
ended, I thanked Alexa ("No problem" was the response) and returned to the paper. Anyway, I noticed a print ad for a treatment
for fibromyalgia. The last paragraph contained the assurance that whatever the
stuff was, it was "made from 'naturally
sourced' pumpkin seeds." I
immediately, analytical thinker that I am, began reflecting on just what other
kind of pumpkin seeds there might be. I had nuthin'. There are no alien
pumpkins as far as we know, (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) unless those Area 51
gummint guys at Roswell have some we don't know about. I realized that I'd been briefly captured yet
again by the use of undefined high sounding, but nugatory, advertising
doublespeak.
The term
"naturally sourced" may be used with impunity simply because food
quality regulators have steadfastly refused to define either word. Those words are not orphans, never fear.
"But Mike," you might ask, "What other bullshit terms are we
subjected to?" Relax, don't you know
I'm gonna tell you?
"Sustainable" Doesn't
it sound noble, just to pronounce it?
Almost makes one think of a handsome farm girl in hemp Crocs, gently
stirring cow manure and table scraps into a raised bed made of recycled barn
wood while composing an ode to her vegan bicycle, doesn't it? In reality, it has no meaning other than, "I think we can still get this cheap stuff through the end of next
month."
"Local/Artisanal." Either of these two terms sounds good alone,
but together, they are advertising Kryptonite for the unwary.
"Artisan" is just an undefined name for a person who produces a
product. If you see art in pumpkin production, or bread making you are an ad
agency's nighttime fantasy. "Local" on the other hand should have
some limitations, one might think, but in reality, one major restaurant chain
which I won't name, but it rhymes with "Chipotle,” considers "local,"
which term they proudly use, to be anywhere within a 350-mile radius! To put
that in perspective, that means anywhere within 384,845 square miles. A
Chipotle in western PA could claim that produce from both Detroit and Boston
were "local!"
"Light (or Lite)." While this may actually mean fewer calories,
it almost assuredly means "far more processing" a close second is
"less real nutritional value."
A not so distant third is "probably contains some chemicals which
aren't really food." Again, legally undefined, persons considering
"Light/Lite" alternatives to real food might consider that margarine
is only a molecule or two away from paint!
In fact Lays "Lite " potato chips which originally were
marketed with Olestra, a fat substituted, sold poorly when consumers read the
part about Olestra possibly causing (swear to God) "oily anal
leakage." MMMM salsa anyone?
"Real." "Real", I guess, means "not fake." Unfortunately,
a label blurb like "made with real chicken" (and pet food producers
are masterful in this misdirection) may mean that 144 grams of food contains 50
milligrams of fowl, and the rest other stuff. "Made with real beef", for essentially all main stream pet food producers, means that beef, if the first ingredient on the label, is the largest portion of
the whole product. What it will never say is that most of said "real"
beef meets the "3 D" definition. Dead, Dying or Diseased, when
processed.
So now, it's time for another cup of "fair trade, sustainable, artisan produced, locally sourced, real, all natural, vegan K cup coffee. I'm here to help. Return to your usual programming.
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