Weird S**t I Think About

Like all, or at least some, of us, I sometimes find my mind drifting to the outré and oddly humorous. This is a sample.

Poor choices for Animal heroes of children's books

·       Clucky the Rhode Island Red, the Communist Chicken

·       Harry the horny Hamster

·       Curious Bruce, the Sexually Ambiguous Kangaroo

·       Barfy, the Hairball Cat

·       Clifford the big red Shrew

·       Larry Lyme, Tick Detective

·       Manny the Bipolar Electric Eel

·       Francis the Flatulent Fawn

Titles not recommended for a sixth- grade creative writing project:

·       A Child’s Guide to Hitchhiking

·       You’re Different and That’s Bad

·       Some Kittens can Fly

·       Making Grownup Friends on the Internet

·       The Secret World Inside Abandoned Refrigerators

·       Pop Goes the Hamster, and Other Microwave Games

·       Strangers Have the Best Candy

·       Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

·       Curious George and the Electric fence

·       Things Rich Kids Have but You Never Will

Words that sound like they ought to have another definition:

•        Coffee (n) - the person upon whom one coughs.
•        Willy-Nilly (adj) - impotent.
•        Circumvent (n) - the fly in a Jewish man’s briefs.
•        Lymph (v) - to walk with a lisp
•        Flu (v) - what your breakfast did when you had Influenza
•        Absurdity (n) - Failed exercise to tone stomach muscles
•        Fortitude (n) – Twice as much bravery as twotitude
•         Pokemon (n) - A Rastafarian proctologist
•       Gargoyle (n) - Terrible tasting mouthwash

       And reposted just because I like it: 

     Frisbeetarianism (n) - A sect which believes that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck up there.  

And, finally, because I have experience in the field: “Dog Speak for Beginners”:   As a long time dog owner of several breeds, I can attest to the fact that dogs communicate in many ways, audible and physically. All pet owners, especially older ones whose children are gone, tend to anthropomorphosize their pets, but none more than dog owners. Accordingly, I offer this brief dog to Human/English dictionary.

Action: licking master's face

·       Assumed Meaning: "I love You"

           Probable meaning(s):  "Feed me", "I just shat indoors, don't beat me" "I'm about to s**t indoors, let me out",

Action: attentive closeness while master cleans Cat litter pans

·       Assumed meaning: "I love you and want to be close to you every moment"

          Probable meaning(s): "What?, You're throwing that away?", "Never catch me crapping in a box!"

Action: Ears prick up, alert look

·       Assumed meaning: "something important is about to happen"

          Probable meanings: "Something important to me is about to happen, these events could be: "The A/C just clicked on"," A bird farted in the front yard", "The UPS man is across the street", "Another dog is within 100 yards", "Another  dog in heat is within 3 miles", "I heard a can opener somewhere", "The cat just scratched in the litter box - lunchtime!"

Action: whining pitifully:

·       Assumed meaning: "I'm in pain", "I'm frightened"

         Probable meaning(s): Both of the above are possible, though improbable , but must not be ignored. Alternate meanings include, but are not limited to: "I need to go out", "I needed to go out, but you were too busy, and it's too late now, jackass", "Feed me", "Pay attention to me", "I'm bored", "I just discovered how to make  this annoying sound", "I heard thunder fifteen miles away", "I'm horny".

Action: dragging butt across the floor

·       Assumed meaning: "Aren't I cute?", "Look I'm a friction toy"

 Probable meanings: "My Butt itches", I'm inaugurating the new carpet", "Remember those worms we thought I was rid of?" " I call this trick Butt surfing", "Look, Ma, two paws", "Hemorrhoid, schmemmorhoid"

Action: sniffing another dog's butt

·       Assumed meaning: Identification ritual dating to the dawn of time

         Probable meaning: Same as above with several nuances, such as "Carl, you were at the vet's huh?", "Long time no smell", "Ahh, a  poodle, I love French perfume!", "Boy do I love that  new carpet smell!", "Dang Luther, try some Beano, won'tcha?"

Action: Licking private parts

·       Assumed meaning: ""Betcha wish you could do this!"

          Probable meaning:  "Betcha wish you could do this", "Trying to get the taste of kibble out of my mouth", "Does this make me weird?", "Don't judge me, bozo"

Action: refuses to eat own food

·       Assumed meaning: "I'm not hungry" (warning - don't be fooled, dogs are always hungry)

          Probable meaning: dog is deceased, "You eat 'chicken by products' and see how you like it!", "Beef lips, my ass, I want steak", "I just 'cleaned' the litter box for ya", "Beggin' strip first, then lamb and rice", "Wheat gluten?? Do I look like a friggin' vegan to you?", "Just licked my butt, holdin' on to the savory flavor"

Action: Puts head on your knee or lap and looks lovingly into your eyes

·       Assumed meaning: "I love you"

          Probable meaning: "I love you"

Ok, I’ll go back to “pissed off at politics later.

                                      

Mikey