Broadcast Malpractice

 

                     Broadcast Malpractice

I just stumbled across this essay not previously posted, from several years ago, and as I reread it, smiling, I realized I really like it, so even though it isn't football season, here it is.

New Rule: (apologies to Bill Maher) “If you are going to broadcast commentary on college (or pro) football games you must be literate enough to have passed freshman English.

          I am well beyond sick and tired of hearing broadcast staff, in all fairness, usually the ex-jock "color" commentator, mangle the language as if it was his third or fourth.  An especially egregious offense heard somewhere every week, is the frequent use of a phrase which revolves around "gaining positive yardage!" Will someone please tell these clowns that “positive yardage” is the only kind you can “gain”. The opposite is a loss of yardage!  Similarly, many ex-jocks in the booth seem to have difficulty with when to use He, Him, I, and Me in conjunction. The examples of incorrect usage are too numerous to single one out. Another favorite malapropism came from former pro, now commentator, Joe Theismann, who, when someone described a particular coach as a genius, stated that, ""Nobody in the game of football should be called a genius. A genius is somebody like Norman Einstein." Norman? Really?

 

          Another, heard just last Sunday, is "This team really came to play ball!" No shit? I thought it was a quilting bee. Here's another Duh! moment: "It's clear XXXX is going to have to outscore XXXXX if they want to win."  Yes, Virginia, it has always been thus, the team with the higher score wins…every friggin’ time! The urge to sound like a deep thinker sometimes leads to flights of totally unintended semi-religious homoeroticism, such as "If you're fortunate enough to spend five minutes or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, your life is better for it." And I thought that was just Steven Hawking or someone with real value! Another from last weekend, "He was looking ahead with his eyes." Really? His sonar wasn't working?

        I recall this gem from Lee Corso, actually not usually an offender, but... "Hawaii doesn't win many games in the United States." So where do they play? Taiwan? Another from ol' Lee: "He's a tough runner, and he's really tough."  We got it, Lee, he's tough. Coach and now commentator, Bill Cowher, on allegations that his former Steelers were doing something shady: "They’re not attempting to circumcise the rules."  (what a relief!) 

        This gem from sideline genius, Tony Siragusa: “It looks like they didn’t have enough offenders to defend defensively.” Huh? This statement, in and of itself, is offensive.

 

          Terry Bradshaw, the “Sage of Pittsburgh”, is a weekly offender. He once made a statement which is grammatically correct, but syntactically incorrect, "I may be dumb, but I ain't stupid." (yeah, he sorta is) If he were dumb, we wouldn't have to listen to examples of his stupidity.  Former Florida State quarterback, turned announcer, Danny Kanell showed us he still has the gift: "You look at this guy & in a few seconds, you can see he's a football player."  Damn, Danny what gave it away? Was it the uniform? The shoulder pads? The glazed stare? Not to be out done, another Floridian, former Gator, Jesse Palmer, had this to say, "Alabama gave up 435 yards to LSU. That's the most they've given up in 5 years this season."  Now I know what a coach means when he says it's going to be a long season, but five years???  "That was a pre-determined play called in the huddle." Oh, so that's where they call 'em!  Never fear, Reece Davis put us back on track with: "And the second half is going to follow this halftime."

          Now for a series of simply stupid statements, all collected over the years from "color" commentators: "There's grass between the knee and the ground.", "They've lost 5 games by a total of an average of 3 points.", "It's a gimme throw as long as the QB puts it on the money and the WR catches it." (DUH!), "Let's update you on Auburn vs LSU. The Tigers lead it 9-0."(both teams are nicknamed the Tigers!) ,  "I'm not big on the Beavers right now, I know David Pollack is big on the Beavers, he's sipping that Beaver juice."( I'm afraid to ask!), "It's got to be inconclusive video evidence to overturn the call on the field." (That would be "conclusive", moron), "The ball is getting wet b/c of the raindrops" (glad it's not snot, phlegm, or blood!)  

          Sometimes, the statement may be fine, but the double entendre quality makes it funny anyway. here are just a few: "David Ash has had guys coming in his face all day"!! And still he has time for football? (Todd Blackledge) "Did the center get it up? Did the quarterback pull out?" (John Madden) "Another set of Cougars are blocking the Beavers."(Chris Fowler) "She can't put that thing in her mouth...wow, that is huge!"(Kirk Herbstreit, yeah, really).

          This sort of thing makes Michael Strahan, a bright guy anyway, come across like Sir John Gielgud by comparison.  And still, we ask ourselves, "Is our children learning?" (G.W. Bush)

 

 

 

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