Florida Man

 

                 Florida Man, A Brief Respite

In the lamentable absence of anything to really feel good about in the current political environment, I have decided to take a look at one of our state’s nationally known phenomena. That would, of course, be the legendary “Florida Man.”

Florida Man is somewhat of an enigma. He is probably a mouth breather, with the permanent indentation of a snuff can in the frayed fabric of his left rear dirty jeans pocket. He revels in the breeze that goes through his hair and front two-tooth gap while doing donuts on his ATV. His is the spiritual specter watching expectantly whenever someone says, "Hey, hold my beer and watch this shit!" He is Florida, and Florida is him. He is not to be construed as your average male resident of Florida: Florida Man is his, and in some cases, her, own brand.

 The phrase itself has gone into the urban dictionary as just meaning exactly what we think it means - a male resident of the state of Florida who has done something so incredibly stupid and, in many cases even self-destructive, that it becomes nationally newsworthy. Sometimes Florida Man is apparently gender fluid, because, as I implied above, the occasional female will step up with equally inane exhibitions of the genre.

Some of the very worst and darkest of these are even team efforts, such as the father and daughter who, upon seeing a raccoon trapped in a dumpster, decided to throw it an apple loaded with bleach and then burn it alive. This is simply deranged and cruel criminal activity and these people should be disemboweled with rusty salad tongs and left to be devoured by rabid gerbils. Period.

On the other hand, the Florida Man (or persons) of truly legendary status are individuals who are obviously several sandwiches short of a full picnic and whose belts (if any) don't go through all the loops. In some cases, I may just post the headline (In bold italics) which is pretty much self-explanatory, and I may or may not amplify on the case. I don't know yet, so here goes.

“Florida Man Arrested for Calling 911 After His Cat was Denied Entry into Strip Club” At the risk of offending, when did it become illegal to find p***y in a strip club? I sorta thought that was the whole idea, but then I’m not a patron of such entertainments, so I may be wrong.  

“Florida Man Banned from Airline for Wearing a Thong as a Face Mask Compares Himself To Rosa Parks”
In December of last year, a Florida Man who was banned from an airline for wearing a thong as a required mask and refusing to use a real one offered to him, actually had the gall to compare himself to Civil Rights icon, Rosa Parks. Really?

“Florida Man Arrested for Directing Traffic While Also Urinating” (?) It is what it is.

“Florida Man Claims Bags of Cocaine and Meth Wrapped Around His Penis Aren’t His” That same December of 2021, another Son of the Sunshine State, upon being searched at Orlando International airport, attempted to convince authorities that the bags of Cocaine and Meth found wrapped around his penis were, in fact, “not his.” Much to his chagrin, they didn’t believe him.

“Florida Man Punches CVS Employee While Shouting F**k Joe Biden” Several weeks ago, a Florida Man entered a Gainesville CVS store and, for no apparent reason, assaulted a female employee who was getting ice cream from a freezer. After grabbing her and punching her several times in the face, while shouting “Fuck Joe Biden” (??) he was tackled by a customer, who he also punched, and then fled the store. He was later arrested. (This charge will look nice on the wall beside his previous felony conviction for battery on a law enforcement officer.)

“Florida Woman Opera Singer Who Used Powerful Soprano to Scream “F**K” and “C**T” During Capitol Riot Arrested Today By FBI.”  And on a similar note: “Florida Man Arrested for Breaking Into U.S. Capitol, Says He Was “Only There To Use the Bathroom.”

“Florida Man Denies Syringes Found in Rectum Are His” A Pinellas County man said three syringes removed from his rectum during a jail strip search weren’t his, according to an arrest report. Arrested earlier in Pinellas County on an outstanding drug possession warrant, he continued that he had “no idea how they got there.” The mind reels.

 

 

“Miami Lawyer Whose Pants Caught Fire in Court Charged with Cocaine Possession.”  This same Florida Man made headlines four years earlier while defending a client who was accused of setting his car on fire for insurance money. During the March 2017 trial, he was defending his client by claiming that the incident was a result of spontaneous combustion, when his own pants caught fire (liar liar?), apparently attempting to prove that it could happen. When accused of chicanery, he then claimed the fire had coincidentally been ignited during his defense by the battery from his e-cigarette. This prior action didn’t favorably affect the current cocaine charge.

“Florida Man Learns Hard Way He Stole Laxatives, Not Opioids” This poor schlub broke into a house in Pinellas Cunty and stole what he believed to be hydrocodone tablets. The bottle actually contained Equate laxatives meant for “gentle, dependable overnight relief." The thief was caught on video breaking into a “lock box” at the victim’s home and was seen pouring the alleged "opioids" into his hands. He is back in jail.

 “Florida Man Stole Truck, Attempted to Break into Military Base to Warn of Fight Between Aliens and Dragons” (oohkay!) He (an Ocala resident) was driving a truck that he had stolen several days before his failed break-in at Patrick Space Force Base. Following the inevitable arrest and restraint, Police say he shared that, "The President of the United States told him in his head that he needed to take the vehicle." They were unimpressed.

“‘All Hail Donald Trump': Florida Man Goes Berserk Following Hit-and-run Crash on His Wedding Day.” The newlywed individual in question struck a vehicle while driving the wrong way on one way street in Vero Beach. He fled on foot but was arrested a short distance away and police immediately suspected he was under the influence of an unknown substance. He was arraigned and began yelling “All hail Donald Trump” at the jail. He miserably failed field sobriety tests, although his blood alcohol registered 0.0%. Police asked him to provide a urine sample to test for drugs but, he then took off his pants, spread his buttocks and stuck two fingers into his anus. We don’t know (and don’t want to know) what ensued.

Florida Man Sets Apartment Complex on Fire After Manager Told Him to Stop Masturbating in Front of Windows. This Tampa man was probably a “Proud Boy” huh?

And finally (mercifully?)

 Florida Man offers police officer $3 and chicken dinner for sex. A female investigator was undercover and posed as a street level prostitute. During the operation police said one of the suspects, our Florida guy, offered to trade $3 and a chicken dinner for a blow job. There is no mention of what aspect offended the officer the most - the crime or the paltry offer.

Be proud, Floridians. They walk among us!