Sunday, February 24, 2013

New Rule #26


New Rule #26: If you forward e-mails out of political sympathy with the orientation of the sender, at least read them to be sure what you're endorsing!

I responded to an e-mail from a dear friend which was a video of a woman stridently questioning "who's gonna pay for my fifteen kids?"

below the link was this message:

" I  will be interested to hear how many more children you think the taxpayer should support. You always offer clever and innovative ideas. Looking forward to your observations"

My first response: Their fathers need to pay for their fifteen kids and she needs a hysterectomy!

My follow on a couple of minutes later:         Something else occurred to me after my original response, and that is: Why now? This shitty situation has existed for the last 50 years at least. Why not post this during the Reagan administration? There were at least as many shiftless baby makers like the one shown then too. Again, the statement "This is what our country is coming to" is really this person's (the original sender, not my friend) not even close to subtle attempt to blame this, too, on the current resident of the White House. He, as I recall has two children, neither of whom, I will guess, are receiving public assistance of any kind. Unless he fathered this woman's kids, he's blameless.

          There has been no significant change to welfare laws during the Obama administration  and I must have  missed the Public Service Announcement where he urged all single women to get pregnant on his dime. So what was the purpose of this "post."   Another racist trying to hide his sheet?  Blaming the President for this woman and her situation makes about as much sense as blaming me for the Orlando Magic having a bad season.  This isn't even subtle, and it isn't rocket science to see through the intent, so why forward and perpetuate this trash?

original sender's response:   I see your point and it's probably been more than 50 years. Actually, I really hadn't connected this to this WH. But, this administration wants to give away money it doesn't have. If there are no consequence for this behavior what's going to ever changing it?

My final response: Again, this administration "wants to give away money it doesn't have"?????  If you truly believe that, and think it relates to welfare, cite the instance. The welfare rules are tighter now than in the Bush (Sr.) administration, thanks to Clinton's "workfare" initiative, which has remained largely intact since. This administration wants to spend what it thinks needs to be spent to keep the economy afloat. Closing many tax loopholes would help hugely, but the opposition has rejected the idea. So who really has America's welfare in mind? The truth is that the guy in the White House has far more concern for persons in our income bracket than the House leadership.

           In an interesting aside, a newly elected Congresswoman  was complaining about the difficulty of maintaining her lifestyle on a "mere"  $174,000 annually. She doesn't get much sympathy from her peers, however, since the average net worth of members of Congress is $3.8 million, and surprisingly, that is up 23% between 2008 and 2010. Moreover, 78% of the wealth in the House is controlled by....wait for it...Republicans!  This makes it a bit easier to  understand why they oppose closing tax loopholes the rest of us don't even have. If Republicans were sincere about debt reduction (without crashing the economy, which would actually be in their favor for 2016!) they'd agree to both revenue streams. (increased taxes on the upper brackets, which they did, and closing huge tax advantages for "their kind of people" which they won't)

           I close with a reminder that a top marginal tax bracket of 39% in 2013  is less than half of some previous years. In 1982, the top bracket was 50% with a Republican President, in 1970, the top bracket was 79% with a Republican President. in 1965, the top rate was 90% with a Democratic President, and in 1956, Ike and a Republican majority presided over a 91% top bracket. In none of those cases am I castigating the president or the party for keeping tax rates high, since we were spending more on defense and foreign aid. I am , however very critical of those moderns (Tea Partiers, especially) with short memories who fail to recognize that the current situation traces its roots back to the massive marginal tax rate cuts of  1987-88, when in two years the marginal rate dropped from 50% to 38.5% and then to 28%. This was the gift handed Bush Sr. by his predecessor. Ronald Reagan, on the way out the door, and fully aware he would be long gone,  lowered marginal tax rates to the lowest since WWII. We are still reaping the results and paying the price.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

American Taliban???


New Rule #25: Stop whining about religious freedom, when what you really want is the opportunity to practice religious oppression.

          Well, kids, it's Thursday again, which means that it is editorial column day in the local Villages' "news"paper. Right wing sycophants  Thomas Sowell and Mona Charen  attack Presidential policy and all things liberal per their usual political bent, but one columnist, Kathryn Lopez reaches  new heights of misdirection and outright falsehood in a column entitled "Warren, God and the freedom to choose." She quotes  Rick Warren, another of those mega church pastors whose cult of personality influences his congregation to react to stimuli the way shoals of fish and flocks of birds all seem to  turn at the same time. "Can we really talk about the state of our union without talking about the state of our religious freedom?" Warren responded that religious freedom "(it) is the freedom to practice my faith and values and the freedom to convert"  She then writes, "He cautions against the misreading of tolerance - mistakenly taking all ideas to be of equal value an d dismissing the existence of truth." Of course, the "truth" she refers to is far from that absolute. It is her perception and belief (note the word belief) about the nature of God, the universe, morality, etc. Ms. Lopez certainly is aware that more people in the world have other "truths" that those who believe as she does. In dismissing other tenets, credos and beliefs  as being of lesser value, she is diametrically opposed to Jefferson, Madison, Washington, and others who had the foresight to endorse the intent and meaning of the First Amendment. Washington in his letter to the Hebrew  Congregation in Newport so eloquently wrote "the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens in giving it on all occasions their effectual support."  Ms Lopez, a Catholic, has clearly decided that her "truth" is exclusive. As to Mr. Warren's "freedom to convert" line, I would posit that those of us who disagree with his personal "truth" should be allowed to be free from his conversion  efforts.

          I am personally sick of the claims from the far right that religious freedom in America is abridged by current law,  when in fact current legislative efforts protect freedom from the religiously driven  prejudicial acts of the true believers among us. This is manifested, when, for example, a pharmacist refuses to fill a prescription for the "morning after" pill, citing personal beliefs as the reason. The logic involved is ludicrous. His religious freedom is the freedom to oppose abortion in his personal realm -  family, church, whatever. When , in the name of "truth" that belief infringes on another's life, that isn't religious freedom, it's religious oppression. The only difference between the pharmacist and a Talibani believer who murders schoolgirls is in degree, not principal.

          The same is true of those who scream foul because their organization might be forced, under new health care legislation to provide medical care to employees which is inconsistent with their (the organization's) personal beliefs. The rights in question here are those of  the person who has been prescribed (insert whatever drug here) which runs counter to someone else's belief. The ridiculous principle now becomes  that,  even though the Doctor has prescribed and the patient needs, someone else gets to interpose their personal belief and say no. The lameness of this argument is evident when listening to Catholics who are unable to articulate any real statement in opposition except that the Church opposes birth control. So what? So don't use birth control in your personal life. In like manner, don't keep it from a non-Catholic employee.

          It's really as simple as that. Those who would impose their beliefs on others, feel justified in doing so because theirs is the "real and only" truth. All others are lesser persons until converted. I reiterate, in far too many instances the only difference between aggressive evangelicals and the Taliban is headwear and the language they speak.

Friday, February 15, 2013

F**k Rex Reed


       My list of those who have become passe', irrelevant and just plain embarrassing to themselves and the world at large has yet another name on its wall of "who gives a shit?"  Trump, Schlafly, Santorum, Nugent  and Robertson are joined by alleged movie  critic Rex Reed. Reed's cruel and undeserved criticism of  Melissa McCarthy in Identity Thief, would, if based on her performance in the high grossing film, simply be one more example of Reed's inability to critique  actors and acting. Instead, he chose to lambast Ms. McCarthy for her weight.  Mr. Reed, whose own acting performances in Myra Breckenridge and Superman gained zero accolades and were generally scourged,  has decided that the Academy Award nominated and Emmy winning actress (Bridesmaids, Mike and Molly, SNL) must do more than just be a brilliant Comedy actress. She must also conform to Mr. Reed's personal tastes regarding body type and weight. The adjectives he uses in his critique of Identity Thief  ("tractor-sized", "humongous", "obese", and a "hippo") [are hurtful, derogatory and, most importantly,  totally unrelated to Ms. McCarthy's performance.

          This would be intolerable even if Reed were himself an icon of healthy lifestyle and moral fiber, instead of an alcoholic accused petty thief  (shoplifting) who also gained notoriety for his scandal mongering regarding Melissa Tomei's  1992 Supporting Actress Oscar for My Cousin Vinnie when he claimed Jack Palance was "too drunk or stoned" to properly read the results, and that another had won. The Academy and fellow critics lambasted him, not for physical attributes, but for being an asshole. Reed also managed to insult the entire nation of South Korea in 2005 with his scathing review of the movie "Oldboy," apparently  based on his personal distaste for the national relish:  "What else can you expect from a nation weaned on kimchi, a mixture of raw garlic and cabbage buried underground until it rots, dug up from the grave and then served in earthenware pots sold at the Seoul airport as souvenirs?"  This review, despite the fact that the film, a winner at Cannes,  ranks 86th on the IMDB top 250, far above such films as  Slumdog Millionaire, The Graduate,  Gone with the Wind and All About Eve.  Clearly Mr. Reed has earned the irrelevant and passe' listing on my wall.

  I end with the twitter posted by  Paul Feig, who directed McCarthy in  Bridesmaids and The Heat. "I cordially invite Mr. Rex Reed to go f**k himself."  Mr. Feig, unlike me, didn't use strategic asterisks!

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

New Rule #24 Save the English language


New rule #24 We should all endeavor to speak and write English properly and require those in the public arena to help us by doing the same .

 There are certain phrases and usages in English that are just redundant or contradictory, yet are seen or heard every day, many of them used intentionally be advertisers. Three of these during a recent airline experience prompted this rant.

          "Please keep your seatbelts fastened until the plane comes to a full and complete stop."  In the context of a stop, "full" is "complete" and vice versa; why say both?  Does it make for more emphasis? do we say "complete" just in case you missed "full?"   "We'd like to thank each and every one of you for flying ____ airlines." I submit that by thanking "each" of us, you will be forced to thank  "every one" of us whether you want to or not.  You might thank every other one of us, but that voids the "each" part.  Most difficult to grasp of all, however was the "Pre-boarding."  If no one is on the plane, we're all "pre-boarding."  Once anyone enters the aircraft, we've begun the boarding process, and we ain't "pre" any longer. Some may board before others, but we're all gonna get on.  I can't take credit for this one, because the late, great George Carlin riffed on it 30 years ago.

          Another troubling phrase is "X %  (larger, more, stronger) ." In many cases, there is no comparator given, so we're left to ponder "So, they're saying this new Clorox is 40% stronger than (water? lye? jeweler's rouge? snot?) ??  One of the real scams enabled by our attraction to "bigger is better" is the case recently seen in the aisles of Walmart where the price per ounce of a condiment was actually higher in the large "economy" size, probably because the container was more user friendly. There was no economy of scale, but the label implied otherwise.

          Another pet peeve  is the continued dumbing down of language by misspelling or misusing  common words, apparently on the assumption that we won't understand them if spelled correctly. "Donut" is ubiquitous, yet many of us actually understand the meaning of its apparently archaic spelling "doughnut."  Interestingly enough, most have no nuts anyway and probably should be renamed "fried dough thingies."  "Ten items or less" is a prime example of misapplied simple English words. "Ten items or fewer"  is correct. You can ask for less milk, but not fewer milk. No one has ever said "I wish I weighed fewer."

          " I could care less"  may be the most widespread  diametric contradiction of all. Clearly if one could "care less," then they do in fact, care, voiding the intent of the malapropism. In like manner. A favorite of the advertising industry is the (non) "word" -"crispy." It is always seen in usage as an adjective, yet it is already an adjective as "crisp." The "y" transforms it into some other dimension apparently halfway between adjective and adverb. If "crispy" can describe an aspect of chicken, then so can "hoty, overcookedy, rawy, sicky and deady!"  "Should of " belongs in here somewhere too, as it is a widely used misapplication of the intent of "should have."

          The other interesting and supremely annoying  peeve  is that apparently, some words can be made more impressive and/or authoritative by intentional or archaic  misspelling. Examples I have seen include: olde, shoppe, wylde, kave, kool, nite, lite, tite, rite (the adjective, not the ritual),  kwik, pak. One common phenomenon is the insertion of a "u" in certain words (behaviour, colour, valour)  apparently in an attempt to show sophistication. If you aren't English,  you didn't learn it that way in school, so stop it!  Many of our children were attended at some time by a pediatrician, and it seemed to work fine, but now I occasionally see advertisements for Paediatricians, and Orthopaedics; are they better?

          Teachers frequently lament diminishing language skills,  in today's students, but how should it be otherwise when we are constantly  bombarded with these bastardizations of our native tongue. How can I expect a new language learner to speak properly when they hear such egregious examples of  mangled speech? Lemme me axe u dat!   

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

New Rule #23 - Saying it doesn't make it so.


      A letter to the editor in today's daily newspaper  just leapt off  the page at  me because it was another case of having a conclusion in mind and making all sorts of groundless statements in support of the predetermined thesis. We seem to get a lot of this these days, in all media, not just here in The Villages.  we hear that certain segments of the populace oppose HPV vaccinations for younger girls, because apparently it would "encourage pre-marital sex," (like it needs encouragement!)  One is left with the conclusion that some parents would rather see their daughters  ill, than take the chance. The same is ascribed to the "morning after" pill; which does not induce abortion, but "who knows what kids will do if it's available?"
          Today's leap of illogic was a letter that blames every ill of society (violence, murder, lawlessness) on the Supreme Court "removing God from our schools."  This is ridiculous for a host of reasons which I shall attempt to state sensibly.

          First, if "God"  is anywhere close to the standard model espoused by most mainstream Christian sects,  the Supreme Court would be hard pressed to "remove Him" from anyplace he chose to be. The two principal USSC decisions regarding religion and public schools, Engel v Vitale and Abingdon Township v Schempp,  related  to public prayer, and the general premise was that even if the majority of the students agree, it still has the effect of establishing religion to the minority who are in the classroom, assembly, etc. (see the "Lemon Test")  What would be the reaction in most districts if Suras from the Kuran were posted on classroom walls or selections from the Bhagavad Gita read in class? In California, there was parental unrest because in one public school, meditation was taught as a way to relieve stress. Even though meditation is not per se a religious exercise and was probably beneficial, due to ignorance  it was out. If parents wish to have their children bring God to school, then let them do so. If they would have their children pray, then let them do so. Public ostentatious prayer  (the kind radical evangelicals. et al. want in schools ) is exactly what Jesus inveighed against when he chastised the Pharisees for their religiosity, as opposed to their religion.

          Second, blaming lack of school prayer for societal ills reflects a  monumental ignorance regarding History, Sociology, and Technology. Let's begin with history. Mass murder isn't new, and as horrific as recent events of the past year seem, none of these were products of the school. Loughner, Holmes, Seung-Hui Cho, all were emotionally disturbed adults. Adam Lanza was not a student in any school, but like the rest was emotionally disturbed. But, the writer says , all this is a new high in violence. Really?  On July 26, 1764, a teacher and 10 students were shot dead by four Lenape American Indians in Greencastle, Penn., in what is considered the earliest known U.S. mass school shooting .

          Herman Webster Mudgett,  alias  Dr. Henry Howard Holmes, was one of the first documented American serial killers in the modern sense of the term. In Chicago at the time of the 1893 World's Fair, Holmes opened a hotel which he had designed and built for himself specifically with murder in mind, and which was the location of many of his murders. While he confessed to 27 murders,  his actual body count was probably over  200. As  a  child his mother,  a devout Methodist, read the Bible to him every day, and I am sure prayer and Bible reading were a part of every school day as well.  You can learn more about the good doctor in "The Devil in The White City." Howard Barton Unruh  was another  American mass murderer who killed 13 people (including three children) on September 6, 1949, in Camden, New Jersey. The schools still had prayers and Bible reading then, too.  Charles Starkweather was an American teenager  who murdered eleven people, all but one during a two-month road trip with his 14-year-old girlfriend, Caril Ann Fugate, in Nebraska and Wyoming. Prayer and Bible reading were still in schools then, too.

          Ok, so why so much more in the news these days? You just answered it - The News. Few outside of Chicago  ever heard of Dr, Holmes, but imagine if he committed the same crimes today! First, Forensics would probably have caught him much sooner, and TV and Internet sources would alert  the entire nation in 5 minutes.  We hear more, we see more and in is almost impossible not to be exposed to it. Evil has always been around, and emotionally ill persons have always done heinous things, but what was local or regional is now international. The Norwegian Police arrested Anders Behring Breivik, a then 32-year-old Norwegian right-wing extremist, in late July, 2011 ] and charged him with the shooting deaths of 69 youths. Breivik admitted to having carried out the actions he was accused of and claimed the defence of necessity (jus necessitatis) He described himself as a "Cultural Christian." Americans followed this story from the onset. 

          In many ways this is the same pattern as child abuse, in that there is now no doubt that child abuse in the past was a well established pattern in entire families and cultures, but few spoke of it because of social pressures. Has child abuse increased due to "removing God from schools?" - assuredly not, since teachers and other adults are more vigilant than in the past. Do we hear of "more" child abuse? Probably,  due to media, but the actual incidence is down markedly. Today sex offenders are prosecuted and identified, not so 40 years ago, they lived and predated in the same neighborhoods for decades.

          So, if the theory holds that a secular society is far worse than a religious one, there should be plenty of historical and present day examples to prove it, no? NO! Let's start from an historical perspective. A prime example of a religious society  is 10th and 11th century Western Europe. Religion was the focus of life throughout the region. What did this produce? 200,000 deaths in the Crusades, a conservative estimate, to be sure, but no need to inflate numbers. The Spanish Inquisition killed close to 5,000 individuals.  Their crimes? being  Jews or Muslims. Of course during the period all learning was firmly in the hands of the Church. Once the Spanish rediscovered the "new" World, they showed the same compassion for the Indians that they showed Jews at home. Spanish commanders read a document known as the Requerimiento  to native  American populations, in Spanish of course, which required them to convert and acknowledge the Pope as supreme, and Ferdinand and Isabella and their heirs as their sovereigns. This was sometimes read aboard ship, as a formality and of course no Indian heard it. If Indians were foolish enough to believe that their own customs traditions and religions were fine the results are described here "But, if you do not do this, and maliciously make delay in it, I certify to you that, with the help of God, we shall powerfully enter into your country, and shall make war against you in all ways and manners that we can, and shall subject you to the yoke and obedience of the Church and of their Highnesses; we shall take you and your wives and your children, and shall make slaves of them, and as such shall sell and dispose of them as their Highnesses may command; and we shall take away your goods, and shall do you all the mischief and damage that we can, as to vassals who do not obey, and refuse to receive their lord, and resist and contradict him; and we protest that the deaths and losses which shall accrue from this are your fault, and not that of their Highnesses, or ours, nor of these cavaliers who come with us."  (And our God Loves You!!) Nice, huh?  But, you say that was long ago, we Americans aren't like that! Wanna bet?

          Setting out from Fort Lyon, Colonel John Chivington  (a Methodist preacher and  freemason ) and his 700 troops of the First Colorado Cavalry, Third Colorado Cavalry and a company of First New Mexico Volunteers marched to Black Kettle's campsite along the Washita River. Black Kettle was a southern Cheyenne Chief who flew an American flag over his tent and was abiding by reservation boundaries, while some younger  males had infrequently raided neighboring white ranches  taking cattle for food.  The night of November 28, soldiers and militia drank heavily and celebrated their anticipated victory.  On the morning of November 29, 1864, Chivington ordered his troops to attack, sparing no one. Two officers,  refused to follow Chivington's order and told their men to hold fire. Other soldiers in Chivington's force, however, immediately attacked the village. Disregarding the American flag, and a white flag that was run up shortly after the soldiers commenced firing, Chivington's soldiers massacred many of its inhabitants. An eyewitness description says it all: "I saw the bodies of those lying there cut all to pieces, worse mutilated than any I ever saw before; the women cut all to pieces ... With knives; scalped; their brains knocked out; children two or three months old; all ages lying there, from sucking infants up to warriors ... By whom were they mutilated? By the United States troops.".  Yes,  under the command of a Christian minister!

          Here's an excerpt from an "Oath of Allegiance":  "I swear that I will most zealously and valiantly shield and preserve by any and all justifiable means and methods the sacred constitutional rights and privileges of free public schools, free speech, free press, separation of church and state, liberty, white supremacy, just laws and the pursuit of happiness"  This was an oath administered by several KKK branches in the 20th century in America, of course, their "Christian" (Protestant, of course) ethic did not support any of these lofty ideals for Jews, Roman Catholics, or persons of color.  Again,  the Bible and prayer were still firmly ensconce nationwide. It is estimated that these fine Christian folk, all charged up with their daily dose of the scripture and prayer, lynched  3,446 blacks and 1,297 whites in the name of God and country.  These numbers do not include more recent murders, maiming,  and beatings of blacks and whites during the Civil right movement. Where were southern Christians? (I mean , they had Bible reading and prayer in schools everyday) Well, in Birmingham, Alabama, they  probably attended  churches pastored by  the white ministers who chastised and chided Dr. King for "stirring up trouble."  

          In conclusion, it makes little sense to tie violence on today's society with advocating Christianity in schools, since Christians and/or followers of the Christian faith have so frequently been the cause of such violence.  If one actually wishes to live in a country where one religion  dominates daily life and prayer is mandatory in schools and students pray  every day, here's an idea. Move to Iran, Afghanistan or Saudi Arabia. If Islam ain't your thing, move to India, where the wrong move by a woman can get her gang raped and the rapists get a pass. If that won't work, go to Ireland, but don't get pregnant and have septic complications, because the vestiges of Roman Catholic fundamentalism still exist in their arcane approach to abortion for any cause. Move to El Salvador, whose laws on abortion are worse than Ireland. Most of  the most brutal regimes in the world have been those established and governed by religious fundamentalism. Most of the really hideous atrocities of war have their roots in religion, and the list is long. Muslim/Hindu, Muslim/Christian, Christian Germany/European Jews, Serb/Bosnian ( Orthodox/Muslim) , Turks/Armenians, England/Ireland, which just skims the surface.

          Blaming today's violence for the lack of school prayer shows a total lack of common sense  and critical thinking skills. There is no statistical linkage, and upon inspection it becomes obvious that the discontent really is the offence taken by those who have the supreme arrogance of the true believer, i.e. "I'm right and everyone who disagrees with me is wrong." I'm a believer in the John Lennon school of philosophy: "Whatever gets you through the Night" but I place the accent on the "You." If it works for you, I'm happy for you, but don't ritually slaughter  my chickens a la Santeria or make me or mine mindlessly recite your rote memorized prayer in school.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

New rule #22 - truth in advertising


New Rule # 22:   If you're going to sell a product, there are two criteria. First, it must really do what you  say it will do, and second, It can't be repackaged common sense stuff which you magically brand as "new and different".

          Have you ever noticed that all the ads that start with "What ____ (insert profession) don't want you to know" are usually for some off the wall weird shit like "homeopathic Crystal aroma therapy bunion powder" or something equally strange. One of the more ridiculous ones recently is the "What the power companies and Obama don't want you to know" advertisement for a set of DVDs entitled "Power for Patriots,"  since apparently only patriots need electrical power.  The purveyor's advertisement begins with a tirade which generally states that everyone in government, but especially the President (why not? He's been blamed for everything else?) is part of a massive plot to raise your electricity bill and have you become a slave to the electric companies who, according to this guy can raise your rates at will (totally false, that's why there are Public Utilities Commissions to regulate them) and enslave you. But, if you buy his DVDs, you will be empowered to independently power your home and be free of the utilities.  You get this far, and are expecting at the very least, a home cold fusion breakthrough or something equally exciting, like the Delorian's "Mister Fusion" power supply from Back to the Future. Actuality is somewhat more prosaic. The DVDs are simply recycled information readily available on the internet, with "how tos" on U-tube for making solar panels, wind turbines and solar water heaters. Patriots can save all the money they were going to spend on the DVDs and buy an assault rifle before the supply dries up, lol.

          Another serious fraud is that perpetrated by author Kevin  Trudeau in the ultimate collection entitled "Natural Cures, what 'They' Don't Want You to Know"  (damn them!) Here, then are ol' Kevin's "can't miss" weight loss secrets (which apparently, the medical profession doesn't want you to know) 
Drink a glass of water immediately upon arising from bed.
Eat a big breakfast, Drink 8 full glasses of pure water a day,
Walk for at least one hour, non-stop, per day, Do not eat after 6 pm.
Do a candida cleanse ( not sure, but I don't think that's an "eating thing")
Do a colon cleanse (I am sure this isn't),
Consume 100% organic, virgin, unrefined coconut oil. (off the scale in saturated fat!)
Use infrared saunas (vice real ones, with steam and stuff?).
Absolutely no aspartame or artificial sweeteners, Absolutely no MSG.
Take digestive enzymes,  Absolutely no diet sodas or diet food.
No fast food, No high fructose corn syrup, Fast.
Eliminate the urge to eat when not hungry, Allow yourself to "cheat" by having a food craving once a day.

Absolutely every one of these "miracle " discoveries has been recommended by doctors for decades, with the exception of the Coconut Oil, Candida cleanse and colon cleanse, and they are of doubtful benefit. Kevin's opus is replete with other info of dubious benefit.
          Even more egregious are the various products that are guaranteed to remove "toxins" from your body via soles of the feet (Japanese foot pads),  through the skin (the "Aqua Detox" machine") or more familiarly, via the open end of your digestive tract (too many "purge/detox" ads to specify) The "skin detox pad " products all share one common trait; they  all contain in various quantities, crystallized wood vinegar, a massively hygroscopic salt that absorbs water through the soles of the feet (or wherever else you stick them) and in doing so turn a dark brown which is,  coincidentally, what their purveyors claim are the "toxins" leaching from your pores. Another scam is the "detox foot bath" which gasses off the "bodily chlorine you've been accumulating all these years." This little gem is simply a battery powered electrolysis salt water bath. The chlorine "gassing off your body" is the result of NaCl (the salt in the water) being broken by the weak electrical current into its constituent atoms, while the faint brown "toxin residue" in the water is the result of oxidation of the electrodes.  If you had toxins, they would  likely  either be creatinine or urea, two compounds resulting from natural bodily metabolic processes. The good news is that you don't need to send for the detox kit, just use your kidneys.  

          Another super scam is "brain training", all the rage these days . "Brain Gym" is a popular package for kids. (we all want smart kids, don't we?)  Most of  Brain Gym is a string of complicated (and copyrighted!)  exercises for kids that “enhance the experience of whole brain learning.” Water, apparently is a prime brain food.  “Drink a glass of water before Brain Gym activities,”  “As it is a major component of blood, water is vital for transporting oxygen to the brain.” Heaven forbid that your blood should dry out. This water should be held in your mouth, they say, because then it can be absorbed directly from there into your brain. Is there anything else you can do to get blood and oxygen to your brain more efficiently? Yes, you can do "Brain buttons": “Make a ‘C’ shape with your thumb and forefinger and place on either side of the breastbone just below the collarbone. Gently rub for twenty or thirty seconds whilst placing your other hand over your navel. Change hands and repeat. This exercise stimulates the flow of oxygen carrying blood through the carotid arteries to the brain to awaken it and increase concentration and relaxation.” Why? “Brain buttons lie directly over and stimulate the carotid arteries.”  No, they don't.  If your carotid arteries can be  massaged  through your breastbone you are either dead, or an alien lifeform, and probably already smart enough to get by here on Earth. This, from a medical standpoint is not even good fertilizer, let alone good science. Over 400 schools in the USA and UK advertise on their websites that they do Brain Gym. And they're the smart ones?

          FAT BURNERS! We've all seen these ads. what we should read is the small print disclaimer below them, that points out that all these claims are unsubstantiated. The secret, apparently is a :  take these (expensive)  substances, whatever they are,   b: eat less and more sensibly (free),  and c: exercise more (also free).  I submit that part a is superfluous. The small print also says that the miraculous results for the babe in the ad are atypical and are part of a sound plan of nutrition and exercise. Well, duh! Perhaps the only bigger weight loss scam is letting someone prepare good tasting healthy meals, dehydrating and/or freeze drying them and mailing them to you at an exorbitant price because you're just too dumb to cook and eat healthy. Not talking Weight Watchers  here, which, like most twelve step programs, works because of mutual support. The one I have in mind rhymes with Jenny Craig and is synonymous with gullible.

          A final favorite is the string of "secrets" they don't want you to know about cosmetics. Usually these show a pretty woman in her twenties and under the pic there is some sort of statement that a 55 year old woman has discovered this miracle wrinkle cream. It never says it's the girl in the picture. It isn't but you are supposed to believe that it is. Like the "miracle cure for Diabetes (lose weight, much type II vanishes with significant weight loss and sane dietary habits), none of this is new or in many cases effective, but we are a gullible people when promised an easy way to accomplish difficult tasks.

          So put on your copper bracelets beside your magnetic bracelets with the crystals on them, torch up some aromatherapy candles and  adjust your color lamp to your favorite shade of energizing  greenish-blue. Whip  up an  Acai berry and Coconut oil smoothie  with Goji  berries and alfalfa sprouts  and feel good about yourself, because your gullibility is supporting a lot of quacks, scammers and charlatans.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

Shakespeare on golf


New Rule #21     Even though we tend see golf as we know it as being a game of the last three or four centuries, I propose (with tongue firmly in cheek) that even though the first Open Championship was played in 1860 at Prestwick, Ayreshire, Scotland,  William Shakespeare must have been familiar with the game and that many of our modern terms and golf idioms are, in fact, derived from the immortal bard.

Upon being suckered into the life-long addiction that is golf, one soon learns that there are numerous idiomatic terms, some unique to the sport and some adapted but with other than standard meanings.  Upon studying the complete works of Shakespeare as I have, because as previously noted I have that kind of time, these terms show up in sometimes eerily similar context to their golf meanings. This leads me to the conclusion that William Shakespeare was really a time traveler who on a foray into the future  ( a la Dr. Who and Arthur Dent, other well known Brit temporal navigators) discovered the game and cleverly began inserting golf references into his works. There are but a few examples of this linguistic jiggery-pokery in the sonnets, but as one looks through the plays (especially, appropriately enough, the tragedies) many  more become evident. To make this thesis easier for the non-golfing reader to comprehend, I have broken the examples  into general areas of applicability.

          Scoring is the object of the game, the fewer strokes, the better; examples of both good and bad scoring  references follow, for the sake of brevity (yeah, I know, too late) I won't cite the play, just trust me they're all Shakespeare:
 "What, one good in ten?"   "When I break twenty? I am perjured most"

"I will be even with thee, doubt it not"  "Have you scored me? Well?"
"Upon the stroke of four."      "A wager they have met."

" 'Tis fond to wail inevitable strokes"   "Who devised this penalty?"
"Let's see the penalty"  "He shall have nothing but the penalty."

"To fright them hence with that dread penalty"

          Contributor factors  to all this angst about scoring include equipment and weather, but usually derive primarily from the practitioner striking the ball is such manner as to place it somewhere inappropriate.
Sand Traps, waste bunkers, etc:

"Give up yourself merely to chance and hazard"  "To the extreme edge of hazard."
"Under an oak whose antique root peeps out" "Sometime diverted their poor balls"
"Even as men wrecked upon a sand"  "Here in the sands Thee I'll rake up"
"Huge rocks, high winds, shelves and sands"

"Hazard so near us as doth hourly grow"
"my ancient skill beguiles me; but, in the  boldness of my cunning, I will lay myself in hazard"

 "Drives him beyond the bounds"  "And drive towards Dover, friend"
"Where lies he?"   "Yonder they lie"   "For this relief much thanks"

Water hazards:

"Nor what I have done by water"   "Too much of water hast thou"
"Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep"  "Trust not those cunning waters"

"The other down, unseen and full of water"  "Well, I am standing water"
"here is a water, look ye"   "'tis with him in standing water"

"One of the prettiest touches of all and that which angled for mine eyes, caught the water"
"Here lies the water; good. Here stands the man; good"

The Object(s) of the game:
"In warlike march these greens"  "Thou art not firm enough, since griefs are green"

"And I serve the fairy queen, To dew her orbs upon the green"
"Making no summer of another's green"  " How lush the grass looks! how green"
"Summon'd me hither, to this short-grass'd green"

" For the great swing and rudeness of his poise"   "This way, my lord; for this way lies the game."
"Come, bird, come"   "O, well flown, bird"

"This bird you aim'd at, though you hit her not; Therefore a health to all that shot and miss'd."
"Thou with an eagle art inspired"  "Save the eagle"

General Golfer comments and excuses:
"I have myself resolved upon a course"   "mine honour was not yielded"

"And with those hands, that grasp'd the heaviest club, Subdue my worthiest self"
"Some Cupid kills with arrows, some with traps"   "I'll call for clubs, if you will not away"

"True is it that we have seen better days"  "My gracious lord, here is the bag"
"My arm is sore; best play with Mardian."

"Go get thee gone; fetch me an iron"  "I will dry-beat you with an iron"
"If our betters play at that game, we must not dare  to imitate them"

"Give me the iron"

Great truths:

"Good words are better than bad strokes"

"Fathers that wear rags  Do make their children blind;
But fathers that bear bags Shall see their children kind"

                                I rest my case!