Catspeak for beginners

     Although response to my  "Dogspeak for Beginners" was less than overwhelming, I still believe there is a place in the literature for seasoned (boy, am I seasoned) pet lovers to inform the uninitiated regarding communications with their pets. There are a limited number of species with which this is possible. Obviously,  apes have the ability to engage in meaningful communications with humans, sometimes just before they rip the human's face off, unfortunately.  What we have in that case is "a failure to communicate."  Dogs, as we saw in the aforementioned best selling essay (it was actually free), communicate somewhat less specifically, but usually in non-aggressive, nuanced ways, combining physical attitudes with sound. An example would be a tail held low and a low growl, which could mean either "I'm angry and protecting my food - beware" or "Did I hear someone say 'neuter'?"

          Cats, however provide another level of difficulty in translation for several reasons:

1. They have slightly smaller brains than dogs, and while very instinctive, they exhibit somewhat less of the "unconditional love" that endears us to our dogs.

2. They are far less forgiving of bad treatment. A dog will actually look repentant after crapping on the rug and being chastised, while a cat will simply repeat it until you tire of yelling at them.

3. Should you actually strike a dog (God forbid) the dog seems to almost masochistically grovel in an "I deserved that" attitude. A cat, under the same circumstances will shred your face and leave home.

4. Dogs have "masters", cats prefer the term "staff."

5. Cats have somewhat less expressive faces than dogs and tend to look the same when happy as when sleepy or hungry.

 Keeping the above in mind, here is my best effort at  "Catspeak for Beginners"

1. The cat meows plaintively and paces - could mean several things: " I'm hungry," "Empty the litter pan or I'll s**t on the bed," "The dog is eating tootsie rolls from my litter pan again"

 2. The cat rolls around on its back. Could mean: "I'm hungry", "I'm happy", "I itch", "I'm having a seizure", "Play with me"

3. The cat raises its butt and purrs when patted or scratched on its rump. Could mean: "I'm hungry", 'Thanks, my butt itches", "let's have sex",

4. The cat growls menacingly, tail twitching. Could mean "I'm hungry", "Back off Jack, I'm having a bad day", "Tell the dog I've had it with the licking", " I hate that laser pen", "I have worms"

5.  The cat crawls into your lap, or on your bed and snuggles up. Could mean "I'm hungry",  "I love you long time", "I love you as long as you feed me, but if you die and no one comes for days, I'll have no compunction in eating your cheeks."

I hope this helps, I ran it past our three cats, and they all asked me if I didn't have something better to do.