Bad wine reviews. Make them stop!

Stop.  Just stop!


"AROMAS FULL OF CRUSHED BLACKBERRIES AND BLUEBERRIES WITH FRESH MUSHROOMS AND SANDALWOOD. FULL-BODIED, VERY TIGHT AND FOCUSED WITH FABULOUS DENSITY OF FRUIT IN THE CENTER PALATE AND A LONG, FLAVORFUL FINISH. SHOWS STRENGTH AND, AT THE SAME TIME, FINESSE." (An  actual review from Wine Spectator”)

        Yep. fresh mushrooms are just what I demand in a good red! Also, strength, and yet some finesse. Pretentious much? I propose a new review system with standard terminology. Let’s use terms like "yummy," "fruity" "smooth" "battery acid," and keep the "dry to sweet" scale as a simple 1 to 10. (which, in fact, many wine vendors do, these days, in their store labeling).

        Ban the use of the following descriptors, all of which I have read in various snotty reviews: "insouciant" "leather" "tar" (yeah, really), ""bacon", flinty, "stone fruit" (very popular recently), "forest floor", "cat pee" (unless it actually tastes like it, in which case you have no business drinking it anyway), "iodine," "pencil shavings," "a petrol nose."  

      More extended, yet similarly ravings, include:   "flavors of “graphite mixed with pâte de fruit, hoisin sauce, warm ganache, and well-roasted applewood” or, “liquefied Viagra” (yeah, I know), seems counter intuitive, don't it. Also, even the thought of hoisin sauce in wine is nausea inducing.  

        Finally, for two final insults to decent writing on the subject:  1: "The wine tasted like St. Joseph children’s aspirin, the orange kind, dropped into a glass of Alka-Seltzer." (actually, although it’s hard to imagine,  the wine might have been that bad, I can almost imagine that flavor). On further reflection, while humorous, this is, in truth, not all that bad if the wine really had those flavors. At least, unlike "smashed minerals" or "rich loamy earth", one might imagine the taste.   

 OR

 2:"Deep purple color. Aromas of rich dark currants, nectarine skins, gushing blackberry, but lots of fragrant tobacco, rich soil, white flowers, smashed minerals and metal. Medium-bodied and saucy but racy acidity stabilizes the wine nicely with the robust tannins. Deep red currants and ripe cherries, laden with mocha, loamy soil, charred herbs, pencil shavings, roasted hazelnut. Dense like(???)  characters that make it perfect for cellaring, however it is drinkable straight away once you expose it to the earth’s atmosphere. This is a delicious Sonoma Cabernet! Has been matured for 24 months in 2-year-old 55% Tronçais and 45% Vosges oak. 95 points."  

"Gushing Blackberries?" "Smashed minerals," "Loamy soil", "charred herbs", really? It might be a superb Cab, but the review sounds more like a Chemistry experiment gone desperately  awry.  And has anyone ever turned down a wine because it was aged in improperly sourced oak? Finally, the use of "mocha" and "roasted hazlenut" makes it sound more like, perhaps, a "2016 Sonoma Nutella-Sauvignon."

How about “Raspberry Kool-aid laced with moonshine and Vicks Vapo-rub?” At least you’d know what to expect.